


Twelve Things

by Mianck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Masturbation, Modern Era, Muggles, Partying, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Texting, United States, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15333861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mianck/pseuds/Mianck
Summary: When Remus Lupin visits the Evans' beach house for the summer, all he wants to do is relax and forget about his past. When he meets Sirius Black, he realizes he will get to do neither of those things.





	1. Beachin'

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I'm relatively new to writing and this is one of my first full length fics, so please be gentle with me. I have it all plotted out and will hopefully be updating weekly. All of the chapter titles are based on songs and relevant lyrics will be posted to begin each chapter!

**And it's sunshine, blue eyes, tan lines, slow tide**  
**Rollin' white sand, cold can, koozie in my hand, just a summertime strolling**  
**Chillin', breazin', sippin', singin', woah,  Beachin'**

**Jake Owen**

* * *

 

As soon as his foot hit the sand, Remus realized he had made a terrible mistake. He yelped and yanked it back up so that he was standing completely on the bottom step of the wooden stairs again.

Lily turned back and sighed, “I told you to wear shoes, the sand is so hot it can burn your feet at this time of day. We might just have to book it down to the water; it won’t be as bad down there.”

“Well I wouldn’t know that would I? First time beach goer here….” An exasperated Remus replied.

He looked back and forth from the sand back up to the beach house, weighing his options. After a few moments, he conceded, “Alright, let’s just sprint down to the water. I’m way too lazy to go all the way back up to my room.”

At that, Lily took off running towards the water and Remus grit his teeth before leaping off and sprinting after her.

She was right of course, the sand was much cooler down by the water but then again, when was Lily Evans ever wrong? Remus had been friends with her for as long as he could remember and their parents had been friends for even longer. Their parents had met in college and followed the same timeline with marriage and having kids and as a result, Remus and Lily had grown up together. From naps together while they were in diapers, to playing tag in the back yard as kids, to getting drunk for the first time together in high school they had been inseparable. Wherever Remus went, Lily was sure to be two steps behind him and if you wanted to talk to Lily, you would have to include Remus in the mix as well. It had been a relief for Remus because he had never been that good at making friends. It wasn’t that he was unlikeable, it was just that people never had the patience it took to get close to him. He was an introvert through and through and much preferred curling up with a good book and a cup of tea to being packed into a small living room, being jostled by drunk people at a party. Lily liked to say that he was like a tootsie pop, it took a lot of effort to reach the middle, but once you did, the sweet, gooey inside was worth it. Remus thought it was ridiculous. Not to mention that every time she said it, he had an image of someone licking him repeatedly trying to get to the center of him.

“Rem, take your shirt off, you won’t get any sun with it on.” Lily’s voice cut through his thoughts.

He gave her an incredulous look and said, “Have you seen how pale I am? If I take this shirt off, I’m just going to fry and instead of being pale, I’ll be red. I don’t know which is worse. Plus, you’re just as pale as me. You’re going to need a way higher SPF than 15.”

She rolled her eyes and kept spraying herself with the suntan lotion she had pulled from her bag. Finally, she held the bottle out towards Remus and turned her back to him. He knew what she wanted without even being asked and he dutifully stepped forward to spray her back down. Afterwards, she flopped down in her chair, facing the ocean.

He took a moment to spray all of his exposed limbs, sat down in his own chair, pulled out his book, and immediately started reading.

They sat in silence for twenty minutes with Remus reading and Lily soaking up the sun before she got bored and said, “Rem, hang out with me. Let’s check out all the guys. I’ve seen no less than 10 pass by who were extremely attractive and do you know what you’ve seen?”

“Hmm….?” Remus murmured, eyes still scanning across the pages.

“The inside of your book.” She retorted.

“Yeah, well a book can’t reject me, now can it?” Remus prompted.

Lily let out a dramatic huff, “Well there’s also a lot of other things a book can’t do for you either. You know like buy you nice meals or show up on your doorstep at the end of a long day or get you off.”

Remus’ head flew up at the end of her statement, his eyes narrowing as he shot her a withering glare. “Lily Evans!” He chided.

She shrugged, a mischievous look on her face. “All I’m saying is that the beach is the perfect place to find someone to date. Once you’ve met them here there is no question of what you’re going to get under their clothes. It’s like skipping a bunch of steps, fly a plane over Go, collect $500, all that jazz.”

“No thanks, all the guys here look like perfectly tanned Greek gods. There is no way they are going to want my pale, skinny ass.” Remus replied, his voice completely disinterested. His eyes drifted back down to his book.

Lily simply rolled her eyes, “You’ve really got to work on your confidence. Most of these guys look like roadkill when you get up close to them but their confidence makes them seem much more attractive than they are. You’re actually a really good looking guy, but you’ve got shit confidence. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world.”

“Yeah right.” Remus snorted.

Lily suddenly sat forward in her chair, alert and focused.

“OH MY GOD.”

Remus jumped and scrambled to sit up, somehow managing to drop his book in the process. “WHAT? What is it?” he demanded, looking around frantically for whatever she was looking at.

She let out a breathy sigh and pointed towards the lifeguard stand, “Look at THAT guy. He looks like he just stepped off the pages of GQ. You have to go talk to him, Remus.”

Remus slumped back in his chair and went straight back to reading his book. Lily didn’t understand how much courage he would have to dig up to go up and talk to a complete stranger. During their junior year in high school, Lily had started dating James Potter. In other words, James Potter had pursued Lily relentlessly until she had finally given in and agreed to go on a date with him and they had been together ever since. They were mind numbingly, sickeningly perfect for each other. At first, Remus had hated the guy. Their high school had been a small one and he had had two and a half years of observing James in the hallways and classrooms. He was loud and arrogant, playing pranks on the professors and flirting with girls at any chance he got. When James had set his sights on Lily, Remus was sure she was going to be the one heartbroken at the end of it all. On top of that, he was worried that their friendship would suffer the closer that Lily got to James. As time went on, he realized that he had been wrong on every aspect.

Lily did spend a lot of time with James, but for the most part, she always invited Remus along. Occasionally he would accept, keen to observe James and his interactions with Lily. As the months passed and he spent more time with James, he realized that James was a lot like himself. He presented himself in one way to the world, as an extraordinarily confident, outspoken person. In groups, he was always the one telling a joke or a wild story and you could bet that everyone would be hanging onto his every word. He was well liked within their school and had many friends but with Lily he was quieter, more subdued.

Remus could tell he loved her completely and without fault. He had seen many grand, romantic gestures from James, although not all of them had been successful. At one point he had tried to cook Lily dinner and had managed to burn the meal so badly that smoke filled up the kitchen and leaked from the windows, prompting a neighbor to call the fire department. Another time, he filled her room with dozens of lilies. He had even adopted a kitten for her that had to be returned because of her allergies. Those things didn’t matter though. Remus didn’t start to fully trust James until later on. Until he had seen the way that James looked at her in the quiet moments when he thought no one was watching; his eyes softening and shining in wonderment as she did something anyone else would have considered boring. Until he had noticed the way that James would shift slightly so that their legs were touching when they sat side by side at their favorite diner. Until he had looked over to see James running his hands gently through Lily's hair while they were all watching a movie. Once he noticed the little things, it was easy to see past the bravado that was James Potter and see that really, the only thing he truly cared about was Lily Evans.

There were also those moments when he would catch a certain look on James' face and feel a sharp twinge of jealousy. Not that he was jealous of Lily, he was happy that she had found someone who loved her completely and wholly for who she was. It was just that sometimes, he wished someone would look at him that way. He wished someone would love him unconditionally and completely, despite his flaws.

“HELLO? Remus, are you paying attention to me?” Lily said, her voice taking on a frustrated tone at being ignored, “You need to go talk to that guy. He’s absolutely perfect.”

“No.” Remus replied.

Lily lifted her sunglasses and fixed him with a glare, “What do you mean no?”

Sensing that this was about to turn into something more than just an offhand conversation, Remus placed his bookmark back into his book and tossed it into her beach bag. He glanced up at the guy she was pointing at. She was right, once again. The guy was exceedingly handsome and young, too. He looked to be around their age and was sitting up in the lifeguard stand shirtless and in red swim trunks. His skin was tan from being in the sun all summer and he had an athletic build. His black hair looked long, although it was pulled up in a knot at the back of his head, so it was hard to tell exactly how long it was. He was leaning forward and talking to a couple of girls who were standing at the bottom of the lifeguard stand.

He finally glanced back at Lily and said, “No. That guy wouldn’t even give me the time of day. Look over there now, there are already girls from the beach trying to talk to him. Besides, you don’t even know if the guy is gay and the girls are telling me otherwise.”

“My gaydar cannot be beat and it is ringing when I look at him. This could be your chance to meet new people, have fun with a guy.” She stated.

Remus fixed her with a skeptical look, “Your gaydar cannot be beat?”

Sensibly, Lily kept quiet, sensing that the question was a trap and choosing to glare at him instead.

Remus scoffed, rolling his eyes before replying, “Because I’d like to remind you that you knew me for 14 years before I came out and not once did you suspect I was gay until I told you.”

Remus had realized he was gay years ago. The first time he had noticed that he was different had been in 8th grade. They had had a teacher who had been out of school for a week. When she returned, her boobs had suddenly grown substantially bigger and it was all the boys in the class could talk about. They all wanted to know what they felt like, what they looked like, how much she had paid for them. Remus had found that he could care less.

It had been cemented further in high school when Cassie, a shy girl from his history class had taken an interest in him. They had dated for a couple of months, kissing and touching shyly in the rare times that they were left alone. At first, he had just thought that people had over exaggerated how good it felt to kiss someone. When Cassie kissed him, he didn’t feel much. Just a nagging sensation that he would really rather be doing anything else.

Then in 10th grade, an older boy named Sean had pulled him outside at a party. He had told Remus that he needed some fresh air but as soon as they had stepped out on the back patio of the house, he had shoved Remus up against the side of the house, their lips meeting in a violent kiss, teeth clacking together forcefully before it softened into something that left Remus feeling breathless and weak. Remus remembered thinking _This makes so much more sense._.

When he had told Lily, she had taken it in stride and had been trying to set him up with guys ever since. Most of the time, he found it endearing but at this moment he just felt annoyed. He really just wanted to get lost in his book, get a slight sunburn, and then hang out with Lily at the house for the night.

He drew himself back to the present, glancing over to see Lily sulking dramatically in her chair, twisting every now and again to check on the lifeguard she had pointed out earlier.

Remus sighed, softening at the pout that was currently still present on her fact. “Just drop it Lily, I honestly just want to relax, read, and not think about this past year. Anyways, I’m perfectly happy just hanging out with you all summer.”

Lily visibly deflated, “Alright. I’ll drop it for now. Want to go in the water?”

Remus bit his lip, considering the possible pros and cons before answering. On one hand, it was so hot that sweat had already began to dampen the curls near his neck, plastering them to his skin but on the other, he might be eaten by a giant squid or a shark. After a minute debating, he said, “Okay, I’ll go in but only for a little bit and then you’re going to sit your pretty butt in your chair and I’m gonna sit my lazy butt in my chair and I’m gonna read and you’re not gonna bother me.”

“Deal!” she agreed, bouncing effortlessly out of her chair and heading straight for the water.

Remus sighed and stood up, grabbing his shirt from behind his head and yanking it off quickly, tossing it back onto the chair and setting off for the water before he could second-guess himself. The water was chilly but not unbearable and he ran forward until it hit his thighs before diving in and swimming towards where Lily was floating.

They spent a while floating in the surf, chatting about random stuff like what they were going to do this summer and what James had been up to since they had arrived at the beach.

Remus was actually enjoying himself. The water was refreshing and he could feel the sun warming his shoulders.

Then all of a sudden, he wasn’t enjoying himself at all. He felt an intense pain in sharp lines across his back to the point where he was yelling and jerking forward, trying his hardest to remove the source of whatever was causing it.

Lily was yelling “What’s wrong?” over and over again and he found that he couldn’t answer because his teeth were clenched together so tightly. There was a group of people gathering on the shore and staring at them but the pain was so bad that Remus couldn’t even bother to feel embarrassed. Lily finally grabbed his hand and started moving back towards the shore, dragging him behind her. He was gripping her hand tightly and trying to focus on moving as quickly as possible when suddenly the pain dissipated. It was still there but definitely more bearable. As they stumbled onto the shore, he let out a huge breath, not realizing that he had been holding it in.

Remus groaned and leaned over, his hands on his knees as his stomach churned from the stinging across his back. It felt someone had poured gasoline across it in distinct lines and then lit a match and thrown it on him. There were loud murmurs from the small group of people surrounding them but Remus tried his hardest to ignore them, embarrassed enough as it was without seeing the concerned looks from strangers.

Lily gasped, “Rem…. I don’t want you to panic, but I think you’ve been stung by a jellyfish. It looks pretty bad, all swollen and angry. On the bright side, although this is probably not the most ideal way to meet him, hot lifeguard is making his way over here right now.”

Remus groaned and clenched his eyes shut, “Yeah, you think? This is humiliating.”

“Hey. I think he’s been stung by a jellyfish.” Lily called out and Remus could only assume she was talking to the lifeguard. He could feel her hand fluttering over his arm, trying to decide where she could place it before finally settling on his bicep. He was glad for the simple touch, it gave him something to focus on beside the pain in his back.

He heard a new voice enter the murmur, deep and comforting, “Yeah, that’s definitely it. Looks pretty bad, it’s completely covering your back.”

Remus kept his eyes clenched shut, wishing that once he opened them everyone would be gone and it would just be him and Lily again.

“Please don’t pee on me, please don’t pee on me, please don’t pee on me.” He muttered under his breath. He had heard in the past, as he was sure everyone had, that if you got stung by a jellyfish, you should have a bystander urinate on it. The thing was, he’d really prefer not to be peed on by the really hot lifeguard on his first day at the beach. Maybe he should have listened to Lily in the first place and gone to talk to the guy earlier today. It would have been loads better than the situation he currently found himself in.

He heard a loud bark of laughter and finally cracked one eye open to look at the guy. He was somehow even better looking up close. His face had a lot of hard angles but it worked for him. He had a sturdy jawline and his cheekbones were pronounced, giving him an almost haughty look. His nose was long and straight and his lips were full, a single freckle standing out against the pink of his bottom lip. The guy was leaning over and peering at him and Remus noticed his eyes were a light grey color, almost light enough to look abnormal. Everything was perfectly in place and symmetrical, except for the fact that one of his canines sat at a very slight outward angle. Somehow, the flaw worked for him, making him more human and therefore even more appealing. Remus felt slightly nauseous. Lily was crazy if she thought this guy would ever be interested in Remus. He really did look like he had just stepped off the pages of a magazine.

The guy had moved and was now standing behind him, examining Remus’ back.

 _Why did I ever think going in the water was a good idea?_   He thought to himself.

After a moment of inspection, the guy spoke again, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to pee on you. That’s actually a misconception. What we need is a bottle of water and a credit card. Do you have one?”

“I do!” Lily said and moved back towards their beach chairs, returning a moment later with the water and a credit card.

“I’m just going to rinse it off and then use the credit card to scrape across it in case any of the stingers are inside,” He said while twisting the cap off the bottle of water, “then once you get home tonight; you need to take a really hot bath, as hot as you can stand. Then it’s really just a matter of taking some ibuprofen and waiting until the swelling goes down.”

Remus flinched as the cold water hit his back.

“I’m sorry, this might hurt.” He added as he placed the card against Remus’ back.

Remus grit his teeth and focused on the sand below as the guy scraped the card carefully over his back. It was painful but he had felt worse.

Once the guy finished scraping his back, Remus straightened up. He was surprised to see that he was taller than the lifeguard. This guy was the perfect height to place his head on or to tuck under his chin. Remus shook his head slightly, trying to escape the thoughts that had been entering his mind. He was crazy. This guy had just scraped a credit card across his back because he had been stupid enough to get stung and he was already considering that the guy was the perfect height for a head rest. This was ridiculous.

He cleared his throat and spoke for the first time since the guy had arrived, “Thanks a lot. I’ve never been to the beach before so it probably could have gone better. I'd probably give the experience a five out of ten.”

The guy laughed again, it sounded loud and garish in the silence since the people surrounding them had dispersed once he had arrived. Remus winced as the guy started talking, “If that’s a five out of ten, I’d really love to see what you consider a zero. Don’t worry though, people get stung all the time. Especially since it’s July. That’s when all the jellyfish start coming out.”

Remus laughed weakly, “They should really put some signs up.”

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to let the jellyfish know the next time I speak with them. Anyways, it should heal pretty quickly. I gotta get back to work but I’ll see you guys around. If you need me, you know where to find me.” He grinned and pointed back towards the lifeguard stand.

Remus nodded and watched as the guy loped off towards the lifeguard stand. He even moved gracefully. Not for the first time in his life, Remus considered how unfair the world truly was.

He groaned, turning to Lily and letting his head fall onto her shoulder with a thunk.

She was quiet for a minute before blurting out, “Well, at least if you meet him again, he’ll remember you.”


	2. Give Me Just a Little More Time

**Life's too short to make a mistake**  
**Let's think of each other and hesitate**  
**Young and impatient we may be**  
**There's no need to act foolishly**  
**If we part our hearts won't forget it**  
**Years from now we'll surely regret it**

**The Chairmen of the Board**

* * *

 

 

Remus had spent the past few days soaking his back in the hot tub, self-medicating with ibuprofen, and trying not to think about the handsome lifeguard. Surprisingly, it was more difficult than he had expected. He found that the guy’s face popped into his mind more often than not, leading him to daydream about anything and everything. He wondered what the guy liked to do for fun, if he would even remember Remus if he saw him again, if he was even gay. To Lily’s dismay, Remus had announced that he was going to stay off the beach until his back had healed. To him, it was heaven. He spent his days wandering about the Evans’ massive beach home and reading. Her parents had saved for years to purchase the beach house and it was evident as soon as you stepped through the door. The house was magnificent.

In their younger years, it was an ongoing joke that if Remus and Lily didn’t behave they wouldn’t be allowed at the beach house. Remus and Lily would just roll their eyes and shoot each other knowing glances. They didn’t believe that it would ever happen but this past fall, her parents had finally put an offer down on a house in the outer banks of North Carolina. They had gotten a good deal on the home since it had been in bad shape.  Years of families renting the house for vacation and trashing the place had taken it’s toll, but Lily’s mom had spent months remodeling and bringing the old place back to life. This was the first summer they had been able to use it and they had invited Remus to come and join them for the second half of the summer. It was nice to be away from their hometown in Pennsylvania, even if he did miss his dad. For most of the year, he attended Pennsylvania State University, where he could pretend that the past year and a half had been a terrible dream, but returning home was like entering a waking nightmare. He had stayed with his dad for the first half of the summer but his childhood home had haunted him; it was full of bad memories and heartbreak. He spent most of his time there with a huge lump in his throat and a deep, aching pain, surrounding his heart, like a fist had closed around it and was slowly tightening its grip the longer that Remus stayed. He had never been as close to his father as he was his mother. He had considered his mom as a close friend, while his dad had always been the disciplinarian, keeping Remus at a healthy distance. For the past year and a half, when he had returned home on breaks, his father and him had simply coexisted. As if they were two reluctant children who had been forced together to play by their parents. When he was home now, they barely spoke other than to say trivial things like “How was work?” or “Could you please pass the salt?” The worst by far was when Remus would wake in the middle of the night, his throat hoarse from the screaming he must have been doing as his mind relived unwanted thoughts in his dreams. He would pad through the hallways and some nights would even pass by his father, but they never spoke. As if they were simply ships passing in the night, each bound for different destinations. So many times he had wanted to reach out, to set a hand on his shoulder and say the words that they both felt, but he hadn’t been able to and he wasn’t quite sure if he would ever be able to.

Being at the beach house was a welcome relief. As soon as he had stepped through the front door and into Lily’s arms, it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

The beach house itself was huge, 3 stories tall and covered in cedar shake siding. It contained eight bedrooms, each with their own master bathroom, a huge kitchen, a game room with a pool table and foosball table and a movie theater room complete with popcorn machine and elevated rows of recliners. There was a pool and a hot tub in the backyard, along with tons of chairs to lounge on and an outdoor bar. The house sat right on the beach and had it’s own private access. The time and effort that Lily’s mother, Sadie had spent on the house was obvious. Most of the house had been redone in cool blue and white tones, giving the place a light and airy feel. There were two bedrooms on the second level that faced the beach and she had decorated one each for Remus and Lily.

Lily’s bedroom was painted a soft yellow and had pale blue accents throughout. There was a small vanity with make up strewn across the top and a record player sitting in the corner. Lily had always loved music. If she was in her room, there was constantly a record playing and if she was anywhere else, she always had one headphone in her ear and one out, listening to music and the world simultaneously.

Sadie had decorated Remus’ room in shades of grey and navy. There was a large built-in bookshelf that was completely filled with books, some that Remus had provided and some that had been purchased by the Evans’. In the corner, there stood a painting easel that looked as though it had never been touched. Remus avoided looking at that corner while he was in his room.

When he first arrived, he caught a glimpse of the packet of papers that was presented to renters during the times of the year when the Evans’s were not in the house. Included in the packet was a small map of the house and he grinned when he saw that she had named the two bedrooms on the second floor. “The Remus Room” and “The Lily Room” were printed in tiny letters on the paper.

Lily and her mother had gone to the beach earlier in the day and her father had gone into town to run some errands, leaving Remus in the house alone.

He spent most of the morning reading but finally hauled himself off the couch around noon when he heard his stomach growling. He fixed and scarfed down a sandwich in the kitchen before deciding that he would soak his back in the hot tub again.

He rummaged around in his closet searching for a clean pair of swimming trunks before realizing that they were all currently in the wash. He sighed before pulling off his pants, leaving him standing in only his boxers. It’s wasn't like anyone would see him anyways; he knew Lily and her mom wouldn’t be back up for another couple of hours and her dad would go straight to his study to work if he returned in the meantime. At least he wasn’t sitting in it naked. He grimaced, thinking about how Lily had confessed that her and James had had sex in it earlier in the week. Thank god for chlorine.

As soon as he crossed over the threshold of the door to the backyard, he froze, staring in disbelief at the lifeguard who had helped him the other day after the jellyfish sting.

He had a single moment to think _you’ve got to be fucking kidding me_ before the guy was looking up and grinning at him.

“Hey! If it isn’t the jelly fish wrangler” he called out, “I’m just cleaning the pool for Mrs. Evans and then I’ll be out of your hair. Don’t worry, I’ll be so quiet, you won’t even know I’m here.”

A minute later, Remus realized simultaneously that 1) he had been gawking at the guy for the last minute without replying and 2) he was standing in front of what was possibly the hottest guy on the planet in nothing but boxers. He coughed and jerked his towel down so he was holding it in front of his crotch and then sputtered out, “Well alright…I hope I don’t get in your way.”

He mentally kicked himself for saying something so stupid. How would he be in the guy’s way if he wasn’t even in the pool? He slowly pivoted, planning on heading back inside until the guy was done when the lifeguard let out a bark of laughter.

“Don’t worry, nothing can be as bad as the last house I was in. The lady got in the pool topless and was trying to help by sweeping things towards my net but her moving around the pool was just spreading all the crap further and further out which made it take twice as long. Then afterwards, she wrote me a check and left her number on the back. Sometimes I really wish people would just leave me alone and let me do my job but this is not one of those times. You don’t seem like the type of person to get in the way.”

Remus hesitated at the doorframe and then took a deep breath and turned back towards the guy. “Well I’m halfway there already.” He said, gesturing to his bare chest, “I can jump in and sweep stuff towards the net if you prefer.”

The guy raised an eyebrow at Remus and stopped sweeping the pool, leaning against his pool net and dragging his eyes up and down Remus’ chest, appreciatively.

“I dunno.” He mused, “If it took me twice as long to sweep the pool with a topless lady, it would take me four times as long to sweep the pool with a topless you.”

The silence stretched out as Remus contemplated the boy’s words. He wasn’t sure how to take it. It seemed like the guy was flirting with him, but he also knew there was no way in hell this guy was flirting with him, Remus Lupin. He was too pale, too shy, too broken for this guy. Maybe if this had been happening before all the shit in his life had gone down, he would have tried flirting back, would have stepped closer, would have asked for the guy’s number, but as it was, he felt too unsure. He swallowed hard, realizing that he had taken too long to answer and the guy had gone back to sweeping the pool. He felt a flash of frustration and mentally berated himself for letting the opportunity pass him by. Lily would be so pissed off at him when he told her what had happened later.

He gnawed on the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of something, anything to say to get this guy’s attention.

He finally settled on, “So, what’s your name?” He was mentally kicking himself again, of all the things he could say, he settled for the safest, easiest bet.

The guy glanced up before replying, “Sirius Black, and yes, that’s really my name. No, my mom was not on drugs when she named me. No, it’s spelled S-I-R-I-U-S.” He sounded like he was running through a grocery list and Remus realized that these must be questions that he got asked on a daily basis.

“Is your mom into constellations?” Remus asked.

Sirius’ eyes widened, so briefly that if Remus hadn’t been staring at him, he probably wouldn’t have noticed.

The silence stretched on so long again that Remus almost thought the boy was going to ignore him. Then he finally spoke, “Yeah she is. I’m surprised you know that, not many people realize that’s what I’m named after. She even named my brother Regulus. She got it wrong though, I’m not the brightest star in the sky. I’m not even close.” His voice sounded bitter. The lightness that was usually present when he spoke was completely gone.

Remus scratched at his neck awkwardly; he didn’t quite know what to say to that. It was hard to comfort someone you had just met and it didn’t seem like Sirius wanted to be comforted anyways. He had finally pulled the net out of the pool and was now pouring chemicals into the water.

“Well, my name is Remus, so you aren’t alone.” He finally muttered.

Sirius grinned again, shooting Remus a conspiratorial glance, as if now that they both had unique names, it meant they were friends. Remus felt his stomach flip. He wouldn’t mind having a friend like Sirius. Not even just because the guy was good looking. There was something else about him, like an aura of energy that seemed to surround him at all times. Somehow just being around Sirius made Remus feel lighter and happier, like his perpetually good mood radiated out, engulfing anyone who got close to him. He laughed easily and often and it was the infectious kind where you couldn’t help but smile or laugh too and Remus could definitely use more laughter in his life.

He awkwardly cleared his throat and spoke up again, “So is saving lives not enough? You’ve got to save pools too?”

There it was again, Sirius’ laughter, it echoed around the backyard, bouncing off the concrete. Remus raised a hand to his mouth, trying to cover the grin that was threatening to spread across his face.

“Nah, I really just need the money honestly. I lifeguard most mornings and then in the afternoons and on my off days I clean pools. They aren’t bad gigs. Honestly for the most part, I just sit in the stand while life guarding and cleaning the pools is usually pretty quiet, which is good for me."

"So, you've never saved anyone's life?" Remus questioned.

"No, not someone who was drowning at least. The other week I had to do the Heimlich maneuver on an old man who had choked on a chip. Of course, once I got back to my lifeguard stand, I looked back down and he was already back to eating chips, so it was all for nothing anyways."

"Wow, the nerve of some people." 

Sirius looked up, nodding in agreement. "The nerve of some people indeed. Overall though, it's been good. I've got to keep busy or I get myself into trouble."

“What kind of trouble?” Remus echoed back.

Sirius grimaced and hesitated before answering, “Not the good kind… I’m actually living with my buddy right now in the apartment complex a few blocks over. My parents and I aren’t on the best of terms.”

Remus was surprised. Sirius seemed like the type of person who had everything going for him. The type of person who had good looks, an amazing family, and money on top of it all. Someone who had parents who loved him with all that they had and showed it everyday. He seemed like the type of guy who could get anything he wanted just by asking. That was the thing about assuming though. You can think all you want and base your assumptions on ten-minute conversations in the backyard of a beach house but all it takes is one sentence to shatter that previously preconceived notion of a person. Remus wanted to know more, he wanted to know if there was anything else about Sirius Black that would surprise him.  

He didn't ask though; he didn’t want to pry further since he had just now learned the guy’s name. It seemed a little forward. _Hi, I’m Remus Lupin. What the fuck have you done to make your parents hate you because you seem like the perfect guy to me?_

Sirius was twisting the cap back onto the bottle of the pool cleaner and picking up his pool net. He turned towards Remus and said, “Well, I’m all done. The pool is clean, I would just wait an hour before swimming to let the chemicals disperse adequately. Hey, I never asked, how is the sting?” He was gesturing ambiguously towards his own back.

“Oh it’s fine. I’ve been soaking it in the hot tub and taking ibuprofen. It’s actually almost healed, so I’ll be back out on the beach in no time.” Remus said.

Sirius grinned again before speaking, “That’s great, well maybe I’ll see you out there sometime.”

He started heading for the gate that led to the drive way and Remus felt the panic rise in his chest. If he didn’t say something now, Sirius would walk out the gate and Remus would spend the rest of the summer staring at him from across the beach, wishing he had done things differently. His mind was racing a mile a minute and yet he couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

As Sirius reached the gate, Remus finally blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, “Did you know that there are more stars in the galaxy than there are grains of sand on the beach?”

Sirius turned back and stared at him. There was a strange look on his face that Remus couldn’t read. Then his face relaxed and his eyes softened. He reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck and then asked, “Would you want to meet me on the beach tonight?”

Remus smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks. His heart soared; he might not be completely hopeless after all. 


	3. Hello My Old Heart

**Hello my old heart**  
**It's been so long since I've given you away**  
**And every day I add another stone to the walls I've built around you to keep you safe**

**The Oh Hellos**

* * *

 

Hours later, he found himself standing in front of the mirror in Lily’s bathroom continually messing with his hair while she lounged on her bed.

He sighed in frustration and glared at himself in the mirror. His sandy blonde hair refused to sit flat no matter how many times he ran his fingers through it and he looked paler than normal, probably due to the nerves.

“Quit it.” He could hear Lily say from the bed, “You look great, you just can’t see yourself the way other people do.”

He stepped out of the bathroom and shot her a glare. “My hair looks crazy, it won’t sit flat.”

She flipped another page of the Cosmo magazine she was reading and replied, “It doesn’t look crazy. It’s always been perpetually messy, that’s part of your charm.”

He flopped down on the bed next to her, and after a few moments of silence, she glanced over and noticed he was just staring blankly at the ceiling. “What’s wrong, Rem? You look fine. Believe me.”

He sighed, “It’s just that I can’t help but think this is all some big joke. He’s probably laughing with his friends right now that he conned some naïve guy into meeting him down at the beach and I’ll be left alone standing at the bottom of the stairs.”

“If that’s the case, you can come right back in here and we can stuff ourselves with mint chocolate chip ice cream and watch Cops until we puke. Plus, if he’s the kind of person who would play a joke like that, he’s not the kind of person you want to be around anyways. What did you say his name was again? Just for science…..”

“For science?” Remus echoed, shooting her a dubious look.

“Yes, science.” She retorted, hotly. “If he’s going to be a dick, then he can become a part of my science experiment. I’ll study the effects that a bitch slap has on someone’s face. Now give me the name.”

Remus laughed at that. He could always count on Lily to calm his nerves. “Sirius Black. You know, Sirius, “the brightest star in the sky”?”

Lily snorted, flicking another page in her magazine before replying, “Well at least if he’s a complete jerk, I won’t have any trouble finding him because that’s one of the most ridiculous names I’ve heard. Plus that’s like setting the kid up for failure, no one can live up to being the “brightest star in the sky.” And can you even imagine all the serious puns? Ugh, Poor guy.”

“I dunno, Lily. Maybe his parents had the right idea, there’s just something about him. I can’t explain it.” Remus had finally rolled off the bed and onto his feet and was heading towards the door. “Anyways, I gotta go since I’m supposed to be meeting him in ten minutes.”

“Good luck!” Lily shouted after him.

* * *

 

As he cut through the back yard to take their private access to the beach, Remus could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His mouth was dry and he forced himself to swallow hard, trying to calm his nerves. He could feel sweat forming at his temples in the humidity and he reached up and swiped it off, wishing it was a little cooler or that he was a little less nervous.

Surprisingly, when he hit the top of their stairs leading down to the beach he could see Sirius already sitting in the sand at the bottom. He felt relief flood his body and he picked up his pace, trotting down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, Sirius jumped up and grinned at him. “Hey, how’s it going?”

Sirius looked even better than earlier that day, he had let his hair out of the hair tie and it fell down to his shoulders. It looked soft and shiny in the moonlight and Remus felt the urge to run his fingers through it. He was wearing a black V-neck t-shirt and Remus could see the edge of a tattoo peeking out from neckline. He couldn’t help but wonder what it was and how many other tattoos the guy had beneath his clothes. Which made him wonder what he had beneath his clothes in general.

 _Oh gosh, I don’t even know if this guy is straight or gay and I’m already mentally undressing him in my mind, what is wrong with me?_ Remus scolded himself internally. _Maybe I’m the one Lily needs to use in her bitch slap experiement._

“Good.” He finally replied, looking down at the sand to hide the blush that was spreading across his cheeks. Sitting on the sand was a blue bucket and a couple of flashlights. “What are those for?”

At his question, the grin on Sirius’ face split into an actual smile. He seemed like the type of person that smiled at everything and even still, you wanted them to smile more. Remus could feel the corner of his own mouth tilting up, wanting to share in whatever had made Sirius so happy. He wanted to be able to make him smile like that all the time.

“We’re catching crabs.” Sirius announced, leaning down to grab the bucket and then passing one of the flashlights to Remus.

Remus stared blankly at Sirius, and then said, “We’ve barely met each other and you’re already trying to give me crabs?”

Sirius laughed, “I meant the crabs on the beach, not pubic lice you smart ass. You know the ones with the claws.” He was now making pinching motions at Remus with his hands.

Then he flicked his flashlight on and set off down the beach. “Come on, I’ll show you how it’s done.”

Remus walked after him, quickening his pace until they were walking side by side. He glanced at Sirius who was moving his flash light beam over the ground in wide arcs and staring intently at the sand below.

He spoke as they walked, “So pretty much, you use the flashlight beam to find the little guys and then once you find them, you pounce.”

“Pounce…?” Remus questioned, picturing a large cat stalking a mouse. He felt like a child learning a basic skill and found that he didn’t like the feeling. He had always been intelligent, receiving top marks in all his classes and finding school to be relatively easy. He also read constantly, storing random facts and figures in his mind to use at later dates. It was an odd feeling to have Sirius trying to teach him something that seemed so simple.

“Yeah like this.” Sirius replied before throwing himself down on the sand, hands clamping down over something that Remus couldn’t see. He quickly threw the handful into the bucket and then shone the light inside, illuminating his capture.The crab was scurrying around the bottom, claws held high above it’s body. It’s beady black eyes sat on stalks above it's shell and it was snapping it’s claws together threateningly. Remus grimaced, something about it’s legs and the way it moved really creeped him out.

He glanced up at Sirius after a moment and was surprised to find that the boy was already looking at him. He blushed and glanced away. “Don’t they pinch you when you grab them?”

Sirius grabbed the bucket and started walking again, “Nah, once you see them, just grab the entire handful of sand around where they are and throw them right into the bucket. Their brains are too small to realize what is happening before they hit the bottom of the bucket. You want to try?”

Remus tensed up at the thought of grabbing the small, multi-legged creatures and he laughed weakly before replying, “Maybe in a little bit.”

They walked for a little bit in silence after that with Sirius stopping every now and again to lunge for a crab, each one hitting the bottom of the bucket with a small thunk. Remus was surprised to find that the silence was comfortable. With other people, he often felt the need to fill it. He could remember parties that Lily had dragged him to their first year of college. They would arrive and then Lily would introduce him to someone she had met through a class and had somehow become close friends with over a single semester, something Remus could not relate to. She would then disappear to find them drinks, leaving Remus to flounder in conversation with people he had never met before and would likely never speak to again. Eventually, the conversation would hit a lull, the silence growing steadily longer and louder as the seconds ticked by. Remus could see the anxiety and panic creep into the other person’s eyes as they scrambled to think of something to say to cut through the discomfort. Remus hated it. He would rather suffer through the silence than force himself to talk about mundane things like the weather and what he had planned for the weekend but most people didn’t share the same sentiment. When Lily would finally show up, carrying two drinks for them, he would feel his muscles relax, not even aware that they had been tensed up from the encounter. Lily had always been better at bullshitting than he was and she seemed perfectly happy to discuss the merit’s of Taco Bell or the best chaser after taking a shot with other drunk people at a party. With Sirius, it wasn’t like that. The silence didn’t feel oppressive or uncomfortable. It just felt like a natural lull in the conversation and when Remus would glance at him every couple of minutes, Sirius would offer him an easy grin.

Finally, Sirius walked closer towards the water. Remus shivered as the shallow waves hit his toes, the icy chill a contrast to the muggy air surrounding them. The ocean looked darker than ever, the push and pull of the tides seeming ominous and vast in the darkness. Sirius set down the bucket and then reached inside and grabbed the biggest crab of the lot. He extended his hand to Remus, offering him the chance to hold the crab.

Remus took a step back and shot him an incredulous look. “No thanks, I’ve already been stung by a jellyfish, I don’t want to add pinched by a crab to my list of experiences as well.”

“Oh come on,” Sirius replied with a laugh, “It’s just a little crab. So what if it pinches you, we can turn it into a piercing and then you’ll always have a memento of this night.”

Remus fixed him with a glare, “You’re crazy. Those things aren’t meant to be held. They were given claws for a reason. You know…. Claws?” He used his fingers to show mimic the pinching motions that Sirius had done earlier.

Remus could see the flash of disappointed on Sirius’s face as he dropped the crab back into the bucket. “That’s the problem with you, Remus. You’ve got to get out of your shell and try new things. What’s life without a little risk? So what if the crab pinches you? It’s five seconds of pain.”

It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before. Lily was constantly telling him he needed to get out of his comfort zone and try new things. He knew he wasn’t the most adventurous person. He had always been a creature of habit, content to stick with things that he was comfortable with and things that he had experienced before. However, something about the way Sirius had said it caused a flash of anger to shoot through him.  

“You don’t even know me.” He said quietly, looking out over the ocean. He could feel his jaw clenching, the frustration evident in his face.

The sound of the waves crashing on the beach seemed to get exponentially louder as he waited for Sirius to say something. Finally, the other boy sighed, “You’re right, I don’t but I’d like to.”

Remus glanced up in surprise and his eyes met Sirius’. They stared back, open and honest and Remus felt his breath catch in his throat. He felt like Sirius could see straight into his soul. As if he could see every mistake of his past and every decision he would make in the future. Was he that easy to read? He felt frustrated he was so easily understood while Sirius stood in front of him, a complete enigma to him. He didn’t know why this boy had asked him to the beach, he couldn’t tell what the other boy was thinking, he was surprised at the things that came out of his mouth. For once in his life, he wanted to be an enigma, to do something that would shock someone else, to be more like Sirius.

“Alright,” He finally said, his voice coming out louder than he expected in the quiet of the beach, “Show me how to hold it.”

A smile spread slowly across Sirius’ face and he grabbed a crab before stepping forward to show Remus exactly how to hold it.

“When you grab them, you want to do it quickly before they can react. Hold them right in the center of their body and keep their claws facing away from you. They can’t twist too much, so as long as you grab them like this, you should be fine.” He explained.

Remus took a deep breath and leaned over the bucket to look inside. There were at least nine crabs within, all scuttling around and scurrying over each other. Remus grimaced but reached inside before he could second-guess himself, successfully grabbing one of the ones that was closest to the edge.

He held the crab up in the air, laughing loudly at the rush of adrenaline that had hit him. It was such a small victory, but felt like something much bigger in his mind and when he glanced over at Sirius, he was laughing too. What he did not realize was that his grip on the crab had slipped slightly while he was staring at Sirius and he yelped loudly when it pinched his finger. He shook his hand, violently flinging the crab out into the water.

Sirius laughed even louder then, throwing his head back and reaching out to grab Remus’ arm. It took a minute for the shock to wear off and then Remus found himself laughing again as well. Once they started it was like they couldn’t stop and Remus could feel tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

When they finally got themselves back under control, Sirius managed to choke out, “See, not too bad, was it?”

Remus grinned back at him, “Not bad at all.”

He glanced back into the bucket, watching the remaining crabs, who were all huddling together on one side of the bucket. “Did you know that a group of crabs is called a cast?”

Sirius stared at him, an amused look on his face. He was quiet for a minute and then finally said, “You’re not at all what I thought you were going to be.”

Remus was about to reply when the ring of a cell phone cut through the air. Sirius pulled his phone from his pocket, glancing at the screen and then scowling once he had read the number. He shot Remus an apologetic look before answering it with a curt, “What?” He stepped away but Remus could still hear bits and pieces of the conversation.

“No, I don’t live there anymore... No, of course I’m not...That’s not happening again...Fine, I'll be over in twenty minutes.”

When he finally hung up the phone, he turned back towards Remus and it seemed like his normal boundless energy had seeped out, leaving behind a sad boy that Remus almost didn’t recognize. “I’m really sorry but I gotta go.”

Remus cleared his throat, “It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.”

Sirius gestured to Remus’ pocket, “Lemme at least grab your number and give you mine.”

They swapped phones to type their numbers in and then walked back down the beach towards the stairs of the Evans’ beach house. Sirius was quiet on the way back, the phone call had definitely upset him. Remus opened his mouth to ask him about it multiple times but had snapped it closed again each time, trying to figure out if it would seem more like a concerned or nosy gesture. Before he realized, they had reached the stairs again and he had lost his chance.

They said their goodbyes and Remus watched as Sirius overturned the bucket. The crabs scurried off across the beach in different directions and Sirius gave him a final wave before trotting off down the beach.

He glanced down at his hand where there was a small red spot and grinned as he thought about the moment the crab had pinched him and what Sirius had said afterwards. “You’re not at all what I thought you were going to be.” Maybe this could be the summer where everything changed.  


	4. Wolf

**Is it taking over you?**  
**Cause it's taking over me**  
**And there's nothing I can do, is this the wolf inside of me?**

**Beach Weather**

* * *

 

The next morning, Remus woke up to a text from Sirius. He scrambled into a sitting position to text him back.

Sirius (8:37AM): What r u doing today?

Sirius (8:37AM): I hope u r researching more crab facts for me

Remus (9:20AM): Did you know that crabs are only pregnant for 2 weeks and then they lay thousands of eggs?

Remus (9:21AM): Not too much, probably just floating in the pool with Lily. What about you?

Sirius (9:28AM): OOO, I love it when u talk science to me. Lily? Is that ur gf?

Remus (9:29AM): Ha, no. She’s my best friend. We are at her family’s beach house for the rest of the summer.

Sirius (9:35AM): Oh good. I was about to be jealous, I didn’t know I was hanging out w/ a taken man

Remus (9:37AM): Yeah right, I'm as single as a pringle. What are you doing today?

Sirius (9:52AM): Uh... I don't want to let u down, but have you ever eaten pringles? Bc there are at least 60 in each tube, but if ur into polygamy, that's cool too. I'm lifeguarding rite now. Wanna hang later?

Sirius (10:06AM): Don’t feel pressured crab boy, u don’t have to hang if u don’t want to

Remus (10:08AM): Sorry, was talking to Lily to see what the plans were for today. Her and her mom are heading into town later to go shopping. Want to come over and hang in the pool with me when you get off?

Sirius (10:10AM): Yea, I get off at 3. I’ll see ya then. I’ve heard there’s a really hot boy who cleans the pool there, I hope we c him.

Remus (10:11AM): Oh my gosh….

Sirius (10:14AM): ;)

For the rest of the morning, Remus spent his time in the movie theater room chatting with Lily.

“Just don’t have sex in the pool; my parents will kill me if they see anything unmentionable floating in the water.”

“Lily!” Remus spluttered, “That’s not going to happen. Ever.”

Lily fixed him with a pointed look, “Don’t say that it’s not going to happen ever, Remus. You aren’t going to spend your whole life a virgin.”

Remus grumbled, “Oh my gosh, please no. Why do you always have to bring it up? What normal 19-year-old guy is a virgin? I’m a pariah. At this point, it’s so embarrassing that any guy who actually might want to sleep with me immediately won’t want to once he finds out.”

“You’re being ridiculous again.” She replied as she shifted through the box of DVD's sitting on the floor, “There are plenty of people who wait to lose their virginity. Just look at me, I lost mine within the past year and I’ve only ever been with James.”

“How about this one?” She said, holding up a DVD with a knowing smirk on her face.

Remus turned to look at her and glared when he caught sight of the title of the movie: The 40-Year-Old-Virgin. “You’re not funny at all.”

“Ugh, you wound me. I’m being serious though. There is nothing wrong with waiting.” She said, tossing the movie back into the box and flipping through more.

Remus hesitated and then muttered, “I just don’t want it to be rushed or awkward or for me to feel like a total piece of shit afterwards.”

“If it’s with the right person, it won’t. I’m not going to lie….my first time wasn’t roses and butterflies. It was painful and awkward but also somehow wonderful and special at the same time. It was obvious that James was concerned and he did everything he could to make sure it wasn’t the most terrible experience of my life. It made all the difference. Plus, now our sex life is perfect, he always makes sure I finish first before-“

“Lily, no.” Remus groaned, cutting her off mid thought, “If I don’t want to talk about my own nonexistent sex life, I sure as hell don’t want to talk about yours either.”

She laughed, hauling herself up to walk towards the bookshelf holding all of the boxes and wires for the projector.

“Anyways,” He sighed, “I don’t even know if the guy is gay or not.”

“I thought you had said you thought he was flirting with you?”

“I can’t tell… Sometimes I just think he’s an exhibitionist and likes to see if he can get a reaction from people. Almost like he would flirt with anyone just to get attention.” He replied, watching as she popped one of the discs into the DVD player.

Lily glanced back at him as she fiddled with the buttons on the projector box. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Remus. He’s probably smitten with you. You’re attractive, you’re funny, you’re kind, you have these interesting facts about everything. Do I need to go on?”

“Please, no.” Remus was now blushing, not used to being complimented.

“Although, I’m starting to think you only keep me around to boost your ego. Anyways, if you think that just watch how he acts around other people. If he flirts with other people as well, that will give you your answer.”

Remus sighed. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to jump into getting to know Sirius. From what he had seen, the guy had a big personality and no boundaries. He said whatever he wanted to with no filter and no concern for the consequences. But for some reason, he felt content when he was with Sirius. He had liked spending time with him on the beach the night before and even in the moments of silence, it felt comfortable, as if he had known him for ages. That was odd for Remus who had never made friends easily. Thinking about it made him anxious; he didn’t know much about Sirius and he was terrified he was going to get in way over his head and that Sirius would end up hurting him. Plus, they were only here for the summer. What the hell was he going to do if they did end up becoming friends and then he just had to leave at the end of the summer? It was overwhelming to say the least.

“Remus, are you even listening to me?” Lily grumbled from the front of the room.

He shook his head and looked up towards her, realizing that she had been talking for the past couple of minutes and he hadn’t heard a thing. He cleared his throat, “Sorry, what were you saying?”

She huffed, “Honestly Remus, what is even happening in that head of yours? I was just saying that you should just take it a day at a time. If it’s meant to happen with Sirius, it will.”

“Yeah, but I also just don’t think he deserves someone like me. I’m not really….” He hesitated, considering his words before continuing, “Whole. I still have days where I just lay in bed all day, I still have panic attacks, and I still haven’t even spoken to my dad about what happened. No one wants to deal with that.” Remus said, so quietly that Lily had to lean forward to hear him.

She was silent for a moment before replying, “I know it’s been a hard year for you. What you went through is something no one should ever have to and I know it’s torn you up inside but you are not broken. You are not and will not ever be broken and anyone who is worth it will see all the wonderful things that you have to offer. Those things you mentioned are such small pieces of you that were caused by something horrible and traumatic that happened to you but they don’t define who you are. You are so much more than your past and you’re worth it. Sirius would be lucky to have you.”

The lump in his throat was almost painful at this point and he let out a short, strangled laugh to try and lighten the mood. “Thanks Lily, I’m lucky to have you.”

She sent him a kind smile. “I might complain about it, but I’ll always be here to boost your ego. Now, let’s watch this movie, shall we?”

She hit play on the remote and then plopped down in the recliner beside his. She reached out her hand and he grinned at her, reaching out to grip her hand tightly for a minute and then releasing it. She was right, as always.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Remus found himself laying on a float in the pool, waiting for Sirius to arrive. It was so hot outside that it was almost impossible to even sit outside unless you were in the water. The sun was hot on his skin and he could feel sweat collecting in the dip at his sternum and in the curls at the back of his neck. After his chat with Lily earlier, thinking about hanging out with Sirius again was giving him major anxiety. It didn’t make sense since he had already hung out with the guy once before and it had been fine; it had been fun even. Even so, he could feel his heart beating faster than normal. He took a couple of deep breaths, thinking about what Lily said about taking it a day at a time. Besides, it’s not like he had to force the conversation, Sirius could probably carry on a conversation with a brick wall if given the opportunity.

At this point, he wasn’t even sure if the sweating was from the heat or the anxiety. He groaned and rolled off the float into the water, trying to cool himself down. When he resurfaced, he saw Sirius letting himself in through the front gate.

He raised his hand to wave shyly at him.

Sirius grinned at him, latching the gate before walking towards the pool.

“What’s up?” he asked as he dropped his backpack on a pool chair and pulled his shirt over his head. Remus could see the muscles in his arms flexing in the process and as the shirt lifted over his head, Remus caught sight of the slight definition in the muscles of his abdomen. Remus felt his stomach drop slightly at the sight of him shirtless. He was flawless and tanned to a perfect bronze color from being in the sun all summer. Remus quickly averted his eyes when Sirius caught his gaze, realizing a second too late that he had been staring.

_Shit, I really hope he didn’t catch that._

He cleared his throat and replied, “Just laying in the pool. I have a long way to go if I want to reach your level.”

“Just become a lifeguard, you’ll be way tanner than you ever wanted to be in no time flat. Except for certain parts of you that will stay stubbornly pale. It’s too bad there’s no nude beaches around here.” Sirius was walking around the pool towards the deep end, surveying the water as if he was searching for the best possible entry point. He stopped at one of the corners and took a few steps back, stretching his arms above his head and cracking his knuckles before taking a running leap and cannonballing into the pool.

He made a much bigger splash than Remus expected, which was really just typical of Sirius Black in general. Cool droplets of water were hitting his skin and he felt a shiver run through his body at the contact.

Sirius resurfaced, flipping his hair back as he came up, laughing as always.

“You’re such a show off.” Remus said, amused.

Sirius heaved a dramatic sigh, shooting Remus an impish grin before adding "It's exhausting honestly, but I've got to keep up my appearances."  

He then tipped over backwards to float on his back in the water. His hair fanned out in the water around him, the long black tendrils floating on the surface. He looked almost ethereal, like a water nymph from a fairy tale, too beautiful to be real. From his vantage point, Remus could finally get a better look at the tattoo that he had seen a small piece of the other night. He also noticed that he had more than one.

There was the plain text quote sitting on his chest above his heart, another quote running across the top of his left shoulder and what looked to be a wolf across his right bicep. Remus was intrigued. To be honest, he had never understood tattoos. He couldn’t imagine feeling that strongly about something to get it permanently inked into his skin. He had changed so much through the years that anything he would have gotten years ago would now be quite unremarkable to him.

Of course, somehow the tattoos on Sirius managed to look sexy as hell. Remus wanted to run his tongue over the dark lettering, see if he could make Sirius writher beneath him.

 _Ugh, what is wrong with me? I need to pull myself together._ He mentally berated himself. _Half the time I’m convinced that I’m going to be a virgin forever and the other half of the time, my subconscious is salivating over Sirius like he's a piece of meat._

The guy was harmlessly floating in his pool and Remus was undressing him with his mind. He couldn’t help it though, seeing the tattoos that the clothes had previously hid left him with an ache to know the meaning and reasoning behind them all. He felt like each tattoo could give him a glimpse into the mind of Sirius Black, something that was hard enough to read as it was.

He gathered up his courage and then blurted out, “Tell me about your tattoos.”

Sirius righted himself and shook his head, spraying droplets of water from his hair much like a large dog would. He moved closer to Remus, tilting his shoulder so Remus could make out the tattoo that stretched across his shoulder. “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make” was etched there in a simple font.

Sirius shrugged, grinned and said, “I love the Beatles. Plus, this was my first tattoo and I knew it would piss my mom off, so really it was a win-win.”

He twisted and pointed towards the one on his chest, “This one I got after a really rough period… I’ll tell you about it, but not today. I’ve got to make sure you’re in too deep so you can’t run off once you figure out all my dirty secrets.”

Remus leaned in closer to read the quote; it was placed right above his heart in plain, blocky letters: I am mine. Before I am anyone else’s.

Then he twisted to show Remus the wolf on his arm. Remus was leaning so far over the edge of his float that he almost tumbled off and Sirius had to shoot his arm out to steady him. Now that he was closer he could see that the tattoo was quite intricate. It was a detailed drawing of a wolf’s head but it was split down the middle, with one side looking gruesome, the bones showing through skin that was hanging in large strips off the wolf’s face. The other side was the polar opposite; the wolf looked normal and even had an intricate string of flowers adorning its head.

“You’ve heard the tale of the two wolves, right?” Sirius asked.

Remus bit his lip, racking his mind before answering, “I think so, but remind me how it goes again.”

“My dad used to tell it to me and Reg, my brother, all the time. I dunno where he got it from but it has stuck with me through the years and I liked it so much that I decided to get it inked onto my arm, a reminder if you will.”

He flopped back over on his back, resuming his floating before going on with the story, the words spilling easily from his mouth as if he had told the story a million times before, “ _An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy._

_“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”_

_The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”_

_The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”_

Remus stared at him appreciatively, “I’m just impressed that you somehow remembered all the words that come after evil and joy.”

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, “I don’t know if I should be thankful or offended after that comment.”

He sent a large splash of water towards Remus, who promptly sunk below the water to avoid it.

When he popped back up, Sirius offered, “Believe me, I heard that story A LOT as a child. Plus, if I forget or add a word, no one would realize anyways.”

“So it’s a reminder to always feed the good wolf?” Remus concluded.

“That’s what I always assumed as a kid but now that I’ve gotten older, I’m not so sure,” Sirius mused.

“What do you mean?”

Sirius was quiet for a minute, his face screwing up as he considered his words. “Just that you can’t feed only the good wolf, the bad one will always be waiting in the shadows for a moment of weakness. I’m starting to think you need to feed both the wolves. Maybe you feed the good one more at certain times in your life and the bad one more at other times. You can’t get through your whole life being kind and courteous to everyone, there are moments where it’s necessary to be strong and assertive and harsh as well.”

Remus didn’t know what to say but his silence didn’t seem to bother Sirius, who had closed his eyes and was now humming the tune to a song that Remus couldn’t place, loudly and slightly off tune.

He leaned back in his float and closed his eyes. He shouldn’t be as surprised as he felt; he had thought the tattoos might give him a deeper insight into Sirius’ personality but he felt like he was teetering on the edge of cliff, not sure if he should back up quickly to safety or jump headfirst over the edge. He had never met anyone like Sirius before. Not only was he absolutely gorgeous, and funny, but he was also proving that he was intelligent and thought provoking as well.

Sirius spoke up again, “I have a few more tattoos that my shorts hide, but I’ll let you discover those on your own.” Remus looked over to catch Sirius shooting him an obvious wink.

He burst out laughing but in the back of his mind, he couldn't help wondering if he chose to jump headfirst, would there be anyone there to catch him at the bottom?


	5. The Wild Hunt

**I left my heart to the wild hunt a-comin'**  
**I live until the call**  
**And I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone**  
**Yes I'll be leavin' in the fall**

**The Tallest Man on Earth**

* * *

 

 

A while later, Remus and Sirius had migrated inside to the kitchen on the uppermost level. Remus was rummaging in the pantry, trying to find snacks while Sirius sat at the counter on one of the bar stools.

“So, this house belongs to…?” He questioned.

“Lily’s parents. Our parents met in college and then got married and pregnant around the same time. They had us and the rest is history. Lily and I grew up together. We live in Pennsylvania but Lily’s parents have always wanted a beach house, so they’ve spent years saving up and this is the result.” Remus replied as he carried the food over to the kitchen counter.

“And you guys are here for the summer?” Sirius was now shoving handful after handful potato chips into his mouth. Remus was slightly concerned that he might choke based on the large volume of chips he was attempting to consume.

“Yeah,” He confirmed, “We’re here for the next month and a half. What about you?”

“I’ve lived in the area my entire life. My parents’ house is actually right down the street but I moved out about a year ago, so I live with my friend in the apartments a couple of blocks over,” Sirius said, now throwing chips into the air and trying to catch them in his mouth. Remus tried to keep from snorting as he watched one hit him square in the forehead and then fall to the floor

“I was in the dorms for my first year at University, but Lily and I got an apartment together for next year. I had a random roommate in the dorms and it was…. Interesting to say the least. How is yours?” Remus replied.

Sirius laughed, “Well, he’s not the worst but there was that time when I walked in on him dancing around the living room naked singing _Touch my Body_. Plus, when you startle him, he lets out this really strange squeak noise, almost like a mouse. It’s gotten to the point where I attempt to startle him as many times a day as possible. He’s gotten very twitchy since we started living together. Other than that though, he’s relatively clean and he doesn’t judge me when I conduct my séances to communicate with the dead.”

Remus shot him a concerned glance but Sirius was staring back at him with a completely neutral face. A few beats later, Sirius burst into laughter, his head thrown back and eyes closed.

Remus felt the grin stretching across his face in response. “Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. My Ouija board has given me a lot of information. We can mess with it tonight if you want?” He joked.

An easy grin spread across Sirius’ face, “I’m down if you are.”

Remus stood up to start cleaning up the kitchen, “Seems like you’re down for anything honestly.”

“Well within reason,” Sirius answered, “Like if someone asked me if I wanted to try crystal meth, I’d probably consider it but ultimately say no. On the other hand, if someone invited me to go sky diving, just let me know the time and place, and I’ll meet you there. Got anything in mind?”

Remus hesitated. There were plenty of things he wanted to try but he had a feeling that Sirius was the type of person to rush into things without a second thought, pulling Remus along begrudgingly behind him. “No, not really. I don’t think I’m quite as adventurous as you are. I wouldn’t even consider crystal meth, I’d just decline.”

Sirius laughed, “Don’t worry, I was joking. All you have to do to be adventurous is make a conscious choice to step outside your comfort zone. Here I’ll help you.”

He hopped out of the bar chair and grabbed a pad of paper and a pen off the counter. “We’ll make you a list of things you’ve got to complete before the end of the summer. Like a summer bucket list. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?”

Remus shot him an apprehensive look. “Sirius, no. This is a terrible idea.”

“Come on. I’ll help you with the whole list, you won’t have to do it alone.”

Well there was one benefit. If he let Sirius create this list, it would give him a reason to hang out with him for the rest of the summer and he couldn’t deny that he wanted to keep hanging out with him. He felt drawn to Sirius and he wasn’t sure if it was because of his boundless energy or annoyingly positive outlook on life or even his devastatingly handsome face. Not to mention that every time the guy smiled at him, he felt his stomach flip completely upside down and his mind blur at the edges.

“Alright, but you can’t add anything too crazy. I’m not going to try bath salts or steal a car or anything.”

Sirius was already furiously scribbling and Remus leaned over to watch. Once he realized what it said, he yelped and leaped forward, yanking the pen out of his hand, “SIRIUS! No, scratch that out right now. I can’t have a threesome.”

Sirius sighed dramatically but held his hand back out for the pen, “Fine, but you’re at least gonna have a one night stand. Everyone’s gotta have at least one in their life, it builds character.”

Remus let a strangled sound escape his throat as he watched Sirius scribble that onto the paper but he figured it was more likely to happen than a threesome, so he let it slide. It wasn’t like this list was something he was bound to, if he didn’t complete it, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

He moved to stand behind Sirius to watch him writing from over his shoulder. He had surprisingly good penmanship.

He cleared his throat and spoke, “Maybe add some easy ones like watch the sunset and build a sand castle.”

Sirius gave him an exasperated look but eventually scribbled them onto the paper. “Are you a teenage girl, Remus?”

“Hey, if you want me to have a one night stand, we’ve got to throw some easy ones in there. You know, build up my confidence a little before the hard ones. Besides, I’ve never seen the sunrise on the beach.”

“Fine, but if you wanted to go on a romantic date to watch the sunrise with me, all you had to do was ask,” Sirius joked, before scrawling a couple more things on the paper.

Remus groaned after catching sight of what he had written, “Sirius, I can’t steal something. That’s illegal.”

“You can just pick something small, like a pack of gum. There’s nothing like the rush of adrenaline that comes after breaking the law.”

“Yeah well that adrenaline is not gonna stay around for very long once I get thrown in prison. Do I look like the type of person who could make it in prison?”

He could see Sirius’ eyes traveling up and down his body and he shifted uncomfortably. He hated being stared at, he always felt like people saw much more of him than he wanted to share. As if their eyes could peel him apart, layer by layer to reveal the dirty, horrifying secrets that were buried deep within his core.

Sirius grinned and then answered, “Surprisingly, yes. You look like you could make a mean shank.”

Remus rolled his eyes and then leaned over to glance at the paper again, noting that Sirius had added “crash a party” and “get black out drunk” to the list. Those were at least doable. He’d been to parties before throughout his first year of college and he had definitely been drunk before, although he had never blacked out.

“Maybe add paddle boarding, I’ve always want to do that,” Remus supplied.

“Oh, that’s great,” Sirius said, scribbling it onto their list.

“And add go skinny dipping,” Remus mumbled, looking away from Sirius as he said it.

Sirius dropped his jaw dramatically, raising his hand up to his chest and gasping for effect. “Remus, you sly dog! I love it. Anything that has to do with getting naked is a fun time in my book.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Remus commented dryly, still watching Sirius add more numbers to the list, “Sirius, where the hell are we going to find someone who will let me ride their motorcycle?”

Sirius waved his hand through the air, “Eh, don’t worry about it, I know a guy. Now, we need a couple more things I think…any other ideas?”

Remus tried to think of something that would be fun but that wouldn’t get him into trouble, legal or otherwise. “How about a road trip?” He offered.

“That’s perfect. Who doesn’t love a good road trip? We can stuff ourselves with candy, sing as loud as possible in the car, and share a lumpy old single bed in a nasty motel. It’s classic,” Sirius answered, writing it down.

“Wow, that sounds like an absolute joy. If you still want to catch crabs, we’ll probably be able to find some in that bed,” Remus answered, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“Excellent, Remus. I like the way you think,” Sirius said offhandedly. Remus could tell he was no longer listening to him and he shook his head in annoyance. Sirius capped the pen and handed the paper to Remus with a flourish and Remus looked over it quickly.

  1. Have a one night stand
  2. Sunrise on the beach
  3. Build a sandcastle
  4. Steal something
  5. Crash a party
  6. Get black out drunk
  7. Go paddleboarding
  8. Go skinny dipping
  9. Ride a motorcycle
  10. Take a road trip
  11. Get a tattoo



He clenched his teeth, trying to keep himself from commenting on the last thing Sirius had added. Tattoos might be a good idea for Sirius, honestly, the guy could probably make a burlap sack look good, but there was no way Remus could pull of a tattoo and he still couldn’t think of anything he would be willing to get permanently etched onto his body.

He took a deep breath and let it out. He reminded himself that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t feel comfortable with, whether it would impress Sirius or not. This list could be a good thing for him. He might not be able to complete everything by the end of the summer but he could try and that was really what would matter in the end.

He swallowed hard and then finally glanced up from the list to look for Sirius. He wasn’t in the kitchen anymore and Remus set off to find him.

It didn’t take long, a couple minutes later he found him in the upstairs hallway leading to the bedrooms, staring at a large portrait on the wall. He was leaning in so closely that his nose was almost touching the canvas. He glanced up when he heard Remus approaching and said, “This is amazing.”

Remus glanced at the portrait before answering, “Yeah, that’s Lily.”

It had hung in the hallway since the Evans’ had moved into the beach house. From a distance, it simply looked like a realistic portrait of Lily but if you got up close to it, you would see that Lily’s face and shoulders were composed of thousands of miniscule squares that when combined made up the picture in its entirety. The background of the picture was simply a single color that was pale in the areas immediately surrounding Lily and then gradually grew darker as it moved towards the edges of the canvas. The artist had surrounded Lily’s portrait in shades of purple.

Sirius still hadn’t looked away from the photo. Instead, he had raised his hand slightly to where it was hovering in the air, as if he wanted to reach out and touch it but knew better. “Did they get it commissioned? I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Remus let out a short laugh, his voice amused when he finally answered, “No, I painted that.”

Sirius spun towards him, the look of surprise on his face almost comical. Remus felt a sense of accomplishment at the fact that he had finally been able to surprise Sirius Black. He could tell it wasn’t an expression that graced his face often.

“Are you kidding me? Remus, that’s incredible. I’d love to see some of your other paintings,” Sirius said, once he had finally turned his attention back to the portrait on the wall.

Remus felt his stomach drop and that familiar sense of dread start creeping in. His heart rate picked up and he swallowed heavily to rid himself of the saliva that was suddenly filling his mouth. He counted to ten slowly in his head to calm himself down before replying, “I don’t really paint anymore.”

Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed and his mouth turned down, a frown settling on his face, “Why not?”

When he glanced up to meet Remus’ eyes, Remus turned his head, avoiding the stare and the disappointment he could feel radiating off Sirius. He had enough disappointment of his own; he didn’t want to feel it from others as well.

“Let’s just say I’ve lost my muse and leave it at that,” Remus replied quietly, his voice cracking a little on the last word.

Sirius was silent, his eyes calculating. His mouth opened slightly as if he was going to say something and then clamped shut again immediately afterwards. It looked like he was fighting himself to stay quiet and Remus assumed that he probably was. Sirius wasn’t the type of person to hold back if he had something to say.

Finally, he glanced once more at the portrait and then stepped away from it, towards Remus.

“Alright,” He said, easily, “Maybe another time.”

“Yeah sure,” Remus agreed, relief flooding through his body. “Another time.”

The slightly sick feeling still lingered underneath the relief. Remus knew he was lying; he never wanted to discuss painting again.

Growing up, painting had always been something that Remus could get lost in. His mom had encouraged it from a young age, as she was an artist herself. She would spend hours with Remus, showing him exactly how to mix the paints and how to move his brush to achieve the image and texture he desired. She would play music in the background and they would paint together, easels sitting next to each other. No matter what he created, she was always impressed. Eventually, he learned that painting could be an outlet. If he was feeling angry, he painted. If he was feeling sad, he painted. If he was feeling happy, he painted. Being able to take the splotches of color from his palette and create something beautiful that was entirely his own gave him a sense of purpose. He would spend hours in his room, watching his vision bloom from a single brush stroke on the canvas to a full scene that filled it completely. Afterwards, he always felt a deep sense of satisfaction. He felt complete. No matter what was going on in the world or in his life, painting would set it right again, at least for a little while.

Now, though, painting just filled him with hurt and anger and guilt. Sitting down to paint just reminded him not only of how it used to be but how drastically different it was these days. He would never again paint with his mom, side by side. He was reminded of that cold January day when he had returned home to find his life ripped to shreds and for once, he couldn’t mend those shreds with a bit of paint and a blank canvas.

He swallowed hard and pushed those thoughts aside. It wouldn’t do to dwell on them now and ruin his time with Sirius.

“Alright, so where should we start?” Sirius was saying, cheerfully, “Do you want to start with getting black out drunk or having a one night stand?”

Right at that moment, Remus realized that Lily must have arrived home sometime within the last five minutes, climbed the stairs to the top level, and caught the tail end of what Sirius was saying. She was standing at the top of the stairs behind Sirius, her eyes narrowed and shooting daggers at the back of his head.

“What the hell is going on?” She said, her voice low and heated.

Sirius spun around, his eyes lighting up and a huge smile blossoming over his face, “Ah! You must be Lily, a pleasure it is to meet you my dear, an absolute pleasure!” Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead upon hearing the terrible British accent that Sirius was currently attempting.

Sirius bounded over to her, flinging his arms around her and squeezing her while she widened her eyes at Remus helplessly over his shoulder.

“I’ve learned that it stops more quickly if you just let it happen,” He offered her weakly.

She huffed but finally gave in, returning the hug and begrudgingly adding, “You guys have got a lot of explaining to do.”

Sirius grinned and replied, his voice back to normal thankfully, “Of course Lily, I wouldn’t dare leave you out.”

* * *

 

Later that night, Remus was brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed when he heard his phone chime from his bedroom. He spit the toothpaste in the sink and hurriedly rinsed his mouth out before he stepped back in his room to check it.

Sirius (11:44PM): I had a great time 2day, I like Lily. Is she always that spicy?

Sirius (11:45PM): But actually, what # do u want to start on for the list?

Remus sighed and set his phone down again. Sirius was going to send him to an early grave. He would probably walk into it of his own free will if it meant that Sirius would come with him though. For once, he felt a flutter of excitement at the prospect of the future. He was happy that he would be spending so much time with Sirius and also that he would get to experience new things in the process. He felt like he was at a turning point in his life and it was up to him to decide which path he wanted to walk. In the past, he would have been too terrified to try some of the things on the summer bucket list on his own, but with Sirius along for the ride, he just felt excited. It was time to stop being the quiet, innocent boy that everyone knew and time to move on and try new things. He reached over and picked up the list from where Sirius had set it down earlier and glanced at it one more time.

Sirius must have scrawled a title at the top before he had left and Remus felt his eyes drift over it, “12 Things Remus Lupin Must Complete Before Summer is Over.”

His heart stopped when he noticed that Sirius had also added something else to the bottom of the list. Something that made all the feelings of hope vanish completely and caused that familiar feeling of dread to settle comfortably back into place at the bottom of his stomach.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the addition and as he read it over and over again, he felt his stomach lurch and his eyes begin to water. He thought he might be sick.

  1. Paint again




	6. Constant Knot

**How do I end up this way?**  
**A constant knot in my gut**  
**Tied with uncertainty and with lust**  
**A classic case, I suppose**  
**A haunted man who can't out run his ghosts**  
**They're in my skin, in my bones**

**City and Colour**

* * *

 

 

_He was walking down an old, familiar hallway. The wallpaper was yellow with blue flowers scattered across, but in the dream it didn’t look like how he remembered it. It was peeling from the walls, rolling down to expose the rot and decay hidden behind. There were flies everywhere, crawling across the walls and floor and landing on his body, their legs and wings fluttering against his skin. He gagged at the stench. The door at the end of the hall was closed but Remus knew that there was something terrible behind it. He knew he needed to get to the door as quickly as possible but every step he took felt like he was moving through quicksand. He pumped his arms to move faster but nothing changed. His feet felt like they were weighted down with lead blocks, lifting them took effort and yet he still pushed forward, every step increasing the dread rolling in his stomach. When he finally reached the door, he leaned forward, arm outstretched to grab the door handle. When his skin hit the cool metal of the doorknob a terrible wailing sound started, freezing the blood in his veins and causing bile to rise up his throat. The noise was inhuman, like a trapped animal that knew there was no escape and was now just waiting for death. He swallowed hard and started to twist the knob, the door creaking open inch by inch and…._

Remus jolted upright in bed, panting heavily and sweating. His sheets were tangled around his legs and his comforter was laying on the floor. The air in the room felt stale, as though it had been uninhabited for ages, even though Remus had been in there all night. When he glanced at the clock on the nightstand, it read 2:36AM.

He wrenched the sheets from around his legs, threw them over the edge of the bed and then fell over onto his back and closed his eyes. He counted to ten repeatedly, focusing on slowing his breathing. Counting exercises had always helped him in the past during his panic attacks and this was no different. He could feel his heart rate slowing after a couple of minutes.

When he felt calmer, he hauled himself off the bed and padded to the bathroom where he splashed water on his face. He grabbed for the glass sitting on the counter and filled it with water, a slight clinking sound echoing from where the glass kept hitting the basin of sink from the shaking of his hands. When he glanced at the mirror, he almost didn't recognize himself. The harsh light of the bathroom and the nightmare had left him looking paler than normal and his eyes were red and filled with fear. His hair was matted against his head on one side from sweating and moving in his sleep. He sighed and reached up to run his fingers through it, untangling it as best he could.

He still felt uneasy from the nightmare and knew if he laid down now he wouldn’t be able to sleep again.

He checked his phone but it hadn’t received any new messages since the last one Sirius had sent the night before. He knew he shouldn’t but the urge to text Sirius was strong. It was strange, he barely knew the guy but felt comforted just from thinking of him, probably because of his animated presence. He figured it was probably hard to be scared when Sirius was in the room, his personality would fill it so much that there would be no room left for despair and terror. 

He finally sighed and picked up his phone to type out a message, hoping against all hopes that Sirius might be a night owl. He really needed a distraction right about now.

Remus (2:52AM): Hey, sorry I didn’t answer. I went to bed early. I dunno if I would consider Lily spicy… You know those warhead candies? That’s completely her – a small layer of sour covering a completely sweet middle.

He placed his phone back on the nightstand and rolled onto his side to wait. He felt immediate regret. What was he even thinking? This guy was going to think he was crazy texting him at 3 AM in the morning. According to Lily, 3 AM text messages were normally reserved for emergencies and booty calls and here he was, texting him because of a silly dream. He groaned and rubbed at his eyes vigorously. He needed to stop listening to his gut feelings, they never seemed to lead him in the right direction like everyone else’s. Then his phone beeped and lit up.

He rolled over and fumbled to grab his phone to look at it.

Sirius (3:02AM): Well I can deal with a little sour to get to the sweet. What kinda candy r u?

Remus (3:03AM): Candy corn, everyone thinks they like it until they actually try it.

Sirius (3:05AM): Pfft, ur wrong. Ur like a kinder egg

Remus (3:05AM): A what??

Sirius (3:06AM): If u’ve never had a kinder egg, we’re not friends anymore. It’s like a chocolate egg shell with a surprise toy in the center

Remus (3:07AM): Uhhh… if you’re hoping to find a toy inside me, you’re gonna be disappointed.

Sirius (3:10AM): I’m not even gonna say what I wanna say bc u might have a heart attack. Tell me what kind of candy I am

Remus (3:12AM): You’re like a gobstopper, a bunch of colorful layers, each one better than the next.

Sirius (3:13AM): Aw damn, I was hoping for hot tamale ;) jk, I like being a gobstopper

Sirius (3:14AM): So why did u text me? I’m assuming this isn’t a booty call text

Remus let out a frustrated huff at the last text message Sirius had sent. Of course, Lily was right once again. He paused before answering, not sure if he should be completely honest and mention the nightmare or keep it to himself. Finally he decided to just be truthful. Everyone had nightmares, even if they didn't have a past like his. It's not like this one text would reveal all of his secrets.

 Remus (3:18AM): Nah, just a bad dream. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. What about you, why are you awake?

Sirius (3:18AM): just got caught up watching Netflix. Wanna talk about the dream?

Remus (3:19AM): No, definitely not but thanks anyways.

Sirius (3:21AM): No prob, u can text me anytime. I mean i might be sleeping but worth a shot, ill answer if I can.

Remus (3:24AM): Thanks, really. :)

Sirius (3:25AM): Btw, u never answered my question earlier. Which # on the list do u want to tackle first?

Remus (3:25AM): #2

Sirius (3:27AM): If u get all the easy ones out of the way first, ur gonna have to do a bunch of crazy shit back to back

Remus (3:30AM): Whatever, if I want to watch my sunrise, I’ll watch my sunrise, damnit.

Sirius (3:32AM): lol, alright, alright. I can’t tomorrow bc I have to lifeguard in the morning and clean pools in the afternoon, but the morning after I can. Meet on the beach at 5:30AM?

Remus (3:33AM): Yeah, that sounds good.

Sirius (3:34AM): Just keep this in mind in the future, bc I don’t wake up this early for anyone…

Remus (3:35AM): Well, if you want to get through the outer chocolate shell to the surprise inside, you’ve got to put in a little work.

Sirius (3:36AM): damn…. well when u put it like that. ;)

Sirius (3:37AM): Anyways, I got to get to bed. I have to be up for work tomorrow at 7:00am. R u good or do u need me to keep texting?

Remus (3:38AM): Oh god. That’s terrible, I’m sorry for keeping you up. I’m good, sleep well.

Sirius (3:39AM): don’t apologize, literally text me whenever u need to. Night xx

Remus tossed his phone back on the nightstand and then rolled onto his side. He felt much calmer than he had an hour ago after the nightmare. He felt himself drifting off to sleep quickly but just before he got pulled under, he forced himself to relax his face, realizing that the muscles hurt from grinning like an idiot throughout the entire text message exchange with Sirius.

* * *

The next morning, Lily woke him up by bounding into his room and launching herself onto his bed. Remus grumbled but pulled the comforter down so she could wiggle herself in next to him.

“What do you want to do today?” Lily asked.

“Well what I’d prefer to be doing was just ruined by you,” He retorted, annoyed at being woken up, “What time is it anyways?”

“It’s 9:30! The sun is out, the birds are chirping, and I want to go to the beach. That way I can check Sirius out while you tell me about him.” Lily grinned, mischief in her eyes.

Remus pulled the comforter over his head and buried his head into his pillow, groaning.

Lily took the opportunity to jump out of bed and pull up the blinds before she grabbed the end of the comforter and yanked it off him in one fluid motion.

“AHH!” Remus yelled, quickly curling his legs up towards his body to combat the sudden chill in the room. “You’re a monster.”

A moment later, his swim trunks hit him straight in the face. “If by monster, you mean a caring friend who just wants to hang out with you on this beautiful day, I’ll take it.”

“Not what I meant at all…” Remus muttered under his breath, but he hauled himself out of bed and headed towards the bathroom to change.

Ten minutes later, they were climbing down the stairs of the beach access. Remus had actually remembered to wear flip-flops this time so the trek across the sand wasn’t nearly as bad as the first day. The molten hot sand gradually worked it’s way between the flip flop and his foot instead of completely engulfing it, so the pain was marginally less.

They got down to the water’s edge and set up their chairs before spreading sunscreen across themselves and plopping down.

The humidity was terrible at this time of year, every time Remus stepped out of the beach house, it felt almost like it was closing in on him, suffocating him with its weight. However, it was much nicer down by the water’s edge, there was a good breeze coming off the water that ruffled his hair and cooled the sweat that was forming across his chest.

He glanced around the beach, noting that it was much more crowded today. Colorful beach umbrellas and chairs were plunged in the sand every few feet for as far as he could see. There were people everywhere, some floating in the waves, some throwing a Frisbee a few yards from them and others laying out on towels, trying to tan skin that was already a sickly red color.

He risked a glance back towards the lifeguard stand and saw that Sirius was sitting at the top, although his head was turned away from Remus at the moment, towards something at the other end of the beach.

He looked back towards Lily who somehow managed to look like a movie star lounging on the beach even with the heat. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail and the sun glinting off of it made it seem like it was woven with strands of gold. Her freckles were dark and her skin tanner than usual, making her green eyes look even more vibrant than they normally did. 

Remus huffed, “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” She echoed, sitting up to adjust her chair to recline further back.

“It’s hotter than hell out here, I’m sweating buckets, and you still manage to look like you’re about to step onto the red carpet. Why am I always surrounded by annoyingly attractive people?” He commented.

“Shut up, Remus. I’m done stroking your fragile ego. You know you look hot right now too,”  She sat up, gesturing vaguely in his direction, “You somehow have the type of messy curls that look like you took ages to style it even though you just rolled out of bed, your eyes are gorgeous, and those cheekbones? You’re like every tween girls’ hipster fantasy.”

“Yeah, but that’s the problem though, isn’t it?” He joked, “I don’t want tween girls, I want someone like Sirius. Why can’t I be his fantasy?”

“You probably are,” She was now twisting in her seat to look behind them towards the lifeguard stand, “Oh look, he’s waving at us.”

Remus shifted to look as well and she was right, Sirius was waving at them from the top of the lifeguard stand. Remus raised his hand to wave back before turning back towards the water. He didn’t want to seem too over eager.

Lily rummaged in her bag before pulling out her sunglasses and putting them on. “So, is he gay? I’m dying to know if I was right.”

“Undetermined,” He answered, “But we made a list of things for me to complete before the summer ends so I have a while to figure it out.”

“A list…?”

“Yeah, just the normal summer stuff like stealing, crashing parties, getting black out drunk,” Remus replied, looking over to see Lily shooting him a disapproving look. “Oh come on Lily, you’re always telling me to get outside of my comfort zone and now I’m trying to. Don’t look at me like that.”

She hesitated before answering, her eyes softening before she opened her mouth. “It’s just…you’ve been through a lot, Remus. I know I encouraged you to get out there and meet new people but that list seems like trouble. Are you sure you can trust this guy?”

Remus didn’t answer, frustration bubbling up in his stomach. He was tired of people treating him like he was glass all the time. He felt like he was on a seesaw, half the time Lily was telling him to get himself out there and experience new things and the other half she was concerned and wanted to make sure he wasn’t over exerting himself. It was exhausting.

When he glanced up and saw the concern filling her eyes, he felt his anger deflate. He knew it was only because she cared so much. He sighed and then finally answered, “I mean I obviously don’t know the guy that well yet, but it seems like I can trust him. I had another nightmare last night and I texted him for a while afterwards and it seems like he cares. I don’t think he would push me to do something that I didn’t want to do.”

“A nightmare?” She questioned, “The same one you’ve had before?”

Remus rubbed at his jaw in irritation before confirming, “Yeah, it’s always the same.”

“Do you think you need to start talking to Dr. Lee again? I thought the nightmares were getting better.”

“They were,” He said, before speaking again to correct himself, “They are.”

He hesitated, trying to decide if trying to explain himself would make it worse or better, “I think it’s just because Sirius saw the painting of you the other day. I haven’t looked at it since we got here and it just…. dredged up some stuff, I guess.”

Lily regarded him quietly for a moment, her eyes searching his face for signs of something, he wasn’t sure what. When she glanced away, he let out a breath, not realizing that he had been holding it in.

“Well, you know what you need best. I just don’t want you to get hurt,” She said, with a tone of finality.

“Thanks, Lil. I really appreciate it,” He said, glancing back at Sirius one final time. He was still sitting at the top of the lifeguard stand but now he was leaning over the side to talk to a guy who was standing at the bottom. From a distance, the new guy looked quite attractive and Remus felt a flash of jealousy.

He clenched his jaw and forced himself to turn back around so he couldn’t see Sirius anymore. He couldn’t even be sure that the guy was hitting on Sirius, maybe it was just one of his friends trying to catch up. Of course there would be people talking to Sirius; Remus knew he was a good looking, friendly guy and it wasn’t like they were together or anything, so this feeling was ridiculous. He shouldn't be feeling jealousy for something that wasn't even his. It didn’t stop him though. He grabbed his book from the beach bag and flipped to the dog-eared page, trying his hardest to push Sirius from his mind and hoping against hope that for once, Lily wasn’t right.


	7. Love Yourself

**When I get chills at night**  
**I feel it deep inside without you**  
**Know how to satisfy**  
**Keeping that tempo right without you**

 **Pictures in my mind on replay**  
**I’m gonna touch the pain away**  
**I know how to scream my own name**  
**Scream my name**

**Hailee Steinfeld**

* * *

 

When his alarm started ringing piercingly at 5:00AM the next morning, Remus questioned his sanity. Was seeing the sunrise really worth this pain? Who thought to add this to the list anyways? It couldn’t have been him.

On top of the intense grogginess and irritation at the noise, Remus also had another problem. A big one. A problem that was currently creating a tent in the blankets at his waist. He glanced down before letting his head fall back dramatically onto his pillow, wondering why the world was so cruel. He had to meet Sirius in 30 minutes and he definitely couldn’t without taking care of the problem at hand first.

He dragged himself from the bed and moved the bathroom, where he started the shower, shivering in the cold air while he waited for the water to warm.

Once it was an appropriate temperature, Remus stepped in, letting the water run over his body, warming him until his muscles stopped their violent tremors. He let his head fall forward into the water, soaking his curls and closed his eyes, willing his body to relax. Honestly, it wasn’t his whole body that he needed to relax, just a certain stubborn part of him that was still standing at attention.

He glared at the part in question, frustrated that no matter what terrible images he brought to mind, it wasn’t deflating any.

Finally he gave in, stepping forward to brace his left arm against the wall and resting his head against it before reaching down to grip his length with his right hand. His dick was warm and firm beneath his hand and he groaned softly at the contact. He stoked himself languidly, taking his time. It had been a while since he had jerked off last, and he was enjoying the contact. An image of Sirius floated to the forefront of his mind and his hand slowed before stilling completely.

 _This is so wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this._ He thought, furiously trying to push images of Sirius out of his head.

It didn’t matter though, because the more he tried not to think about Sirius, the more images of him filled his mind. He could picture his hands, tanned and strong, gripping his shoulders tightly, almost painfully. He could picture his lips exactly, full and pink and that led to images of them wrapped around his cock. He could picture the water droplets running down his chest after they had gotten out of the pool the other day, or the coarse trail of hair that lead down to the waistband of his swimming trunks. Without even realizing it, his hand had started back up, sliding easily up and down. As he increased the grip and pressure, he started wondering what Sirius might look like underneath the swim trunks. His hips bucked forward of their own accord, his cock desperately seeking more contact. A few minutes later, he came with a strangled cry that he muffled by sinking his teeth into his forearm.

He sighed and redirected the spray of the showerhead above him to wash the mess down the drain. He felt a small twinge of guilt but overall, it was drowned out by the satisfaction that was pooling in his belly.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, he was dressed and waiting for Sirius at the bottom of their beach access. The beach in the early morning hours was completely different from the beach during the day. Whether he looked to the left or the right, it was almost entirely clear of people. If he squinted, he could make out a guy who was way down the beach, fishing in the darkness. He shifted uncomfortably; even though he had hung out with Sirius a couple times now, he still couldn’t shake the voice inside that was whispering that Sirius was going to stand him up. Right when he was about to sit down on the bottom step to wait, he saw Sirius jogging towards him from the public beach access a few houses down.

“Good morning, sunshine!” He called out as he got closer. Once he reached Remus, he offered him one of the coffee cups he had been carrying. “I wasn’t sure if you liked cream or sugar, so I just left it black. I have some packets in my pocket though if you want to add anything.”

Remus grinned and took the coffee, happy to see him even though he still felt slightly groggy. He noticed that he was wearing a backpack but decided to leave the questions for later. “Black is perfect actually. Is this the secret to your boundless energy?”

“Nah, I was just born with it. I left the womb wearing a jogging outfit and a sweat band.” He joked.

Remus grimaced, “Ugh, please don’t say the word ‘womb’ ever again. Especially not at 5 AM.”

“Noted.” Sirius replied as he started walking down the beach, “Let’s find a private place to sit.” He shot Remus another grin and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Remus laughed, feeling lighter just from being around Sirius. Being with Sirius was refreshing. For the past year, he had moved through his day to day life as though he was in a fog or stuck underwater, but with Sirius, who didn’t know his past or his secrets, it felt like resurfacing, gulping in all the fresh air he could while he had the chance and then wanting more and more even after the water sucked him back down.

As they walked, the sky had started to lighten slightly. Sirius finally took a seat on the sand and then patted the spot next to him until Remus dropped himself down heavily.

Remus sipped at his coffee and watched the sky as it changed from dark blue to a lighter purple and then into a warm pink. He glanced over at Sirius and his breath caught in his throat. The light from the sun was touching his face, bathing him in an ethereal glow.  Remus could see the small scar above his right eyebrow and the slight divet where his dimple creased when he smiled; he could see that his lips were slightly chapped and that his eyelashes were so long that when he blinked they brushed against the tops of his cheeks. He really was stunning.

Remus cleared his throat and looked away quickly as Sirius glanced towards him at the noise.

“So what do you think?” Sirius questioned, bumping Remus with his shoulder.

Remus looked back towards him, catching his eyes before answering, “It’s beautiful.”

He wasn’t even sure if he was talking about the sunrise or if he was still thinking about Sirius but he supposed it didn’t really matter either way.

“By the way, thanks for texting me the other night. I know it was really late… or really early I guess depending on your point of view.” He said.

“Do you have nightmares a lot?” Sirius asked, quietly.

Remus hesitated, not sure if he wanted to go down this path because of where it could lead too. He wanted to be as honest as possible with Sirius though, so finally he replied, “Yeah, they’ve gotten worse within the past year though.”

Sirius was biting his lip and looking out over the horizon now, where the sun was just beginning to peak over the edge. He reached up to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind his ear and then said, “I used to have really bad nightmares when I was a kid. The kind where I would wake up screaming and wouldn’t be able to stop for at least 5 minutes.”

“That must have been rough, did your parents ever take you to see a doctor?”

Sirius laughed but it wasn’t his normal carefree bark of a laugh, this one sounded bitter and cold and when he spoke, his words dripped with resentment as well. “No, my parents took a very hands-off approach in raising me. Unless I misbehaved, then it was more of a hands-on approach. On the better nights, my brother would hear me screaming and would crawl into bed with me. I would focus on his breathing and I could usually get back to sleep pretty quickly. But on the bad nights, he wouldn’t hear or didn’t notice or didn’t care, I don’t know, but I would lay awake in bed, with these terrible thoughts going through my mind until my mother came to get me the next morning.”

Remus remained quiet, studying Sirius’ face from the side. He had the urge to reach out and touch him, to offer him comfort in the only way he knew how but he couldn’t. There was still a tiny part of him that didn’t think he deserved to be around Sirius, much less touch him. He was a coward.

Sirius finally broke the silence to add, “Anyways, I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to know that I understand how it feels. So if you need to text me after a nightmare, just text me. I’ll start leaving my ringer on when I go to bed and I’m usually up pretty late watching Netflix anyways.”

“Thanks,” Remus said quietly, he didn’t know how to express his gratitude at the sentiment. Lily had also told him in the past to contact her when he had had the nightmares, but the couple of times he had texted her late at night had gone unanswered. He couldn’t blame her, she went to bed relatively early and she was always overly concerned the next day, but for Sirius to leave his ringer on loud so that Remus could contact him whenever filled him with warmth and appreciation.

He turned back towards Remus, offering him a large smirk before shifting to remove the backpack from his back. “Also, who am I to lie? I just like to text you, you make me laugh.”

The sun had risen halfway up into the sky at this point and was bathing the entire beach in a warm, orangey glow.

“So, should I be worried about what’s in the backpack? If you’re planning on killing me, don’t count on being able to contact me through a séance later.”

Sirius shook his head and then pulled out a bucket, a couple of small shovels, and a variety of castle molds. It was obvious they had been created for children as they were all a variety of bright colors and were made from cheap plastic.

“Wow Sirius, do you have kids that you haven’t told me about?” Remus said, swinging his head theatrically from side to side to look up and down the beach for said children.

“No, although I wouldn’t be opposed to you calling me Daddy.” He retorted, throwing Remus an obvious wink after noticing the shocked expression on his face.

“Down, boy,” Remus muttered, glaring at him as he watched Sirius begin scooping sand in the bucket. 

“Help me build this, will ya?” Sirius said, gesturing towards the second shovel that lay on the sand. “This is your bucket list after all.”

Remus sighed and dropped to his knees reluctantly, grabbing the shovel and using it to scoop sand into the bucket with Sirius. They worked in silence for a little while, packing sand into the bucket and then upturning it to make four large columns for the corners of their castle. Remus worked on creating long walls to connect the columns and Sirius started digging out a moat to surround the castle.

“So, do you talk to your parents a lot since you’re gonna be down here for more than a month?” Sirius asked, casually.

Remus stiffened up immediately. He bit the inside of his cheek until it hurt, a tangy iron taste filling his mouth. In his head, he counted to ten, focusing on slowing his breathing before answering, trying to sound as normal as possible, “Yeah, I call my Dad about once a week but this trip was really a chance for me to kind of get away from my normal life for a while and reset.”

He was hoping Sirius would be content to leave it at that. He should have known better though, when Sirius Black had the opportunity to push forward, he would take it any day.

“What about your mom, are you not close to her?” He asked, still flinging sand behind him from the moat.

A thousand thoughts were racing through his mind, he wasn’t sure how much of his past he wanted to share with Sirius yet. Many days, it was still too raw for him to even talk about it with Lily and he didn’t want to risk breaking down in front of Sirius, especially since the beach seemed to be filling up with more people as the sun rose higher in the sky. Not to mention that it was kind of nice to hang out with someone who didn’t know, someone who didn’t treat him differently as if he was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode into tears at a moment’s notice. At the same time, he didn’t want to lie to Sirius and he was bound to find out at some point, especially if they would be completing this list together this summer.

He finally settled on, “She passed away about a year and a half ago, I don’t like to talk about it.”

Remus could see Sirius still immediately in his peripheral vision but didn’t turn his head to look at him. He was used to the look of pity that normally followed that statement and he didn’t want to see it from Sirius. He wished he could plug his ears so that he could also avoid the statements he had heard time and time again as well: I’m sorry and She’s in a better place now and She’s no longer in pain. He hated them, those statements didn’t change the facts, didn’t make him feel any better about the situation she had left him in.

When Sirius spoke again, it was quieter. “Wow, that’s absolutely shit. You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m a great listener if you ever need someone.”

“Thanks.” Remus managed to mumble.

Thankfully, Sirius seemed to sense the shift in the mood and easily changed the subject, his tone back to it’s normal, cheery self, “So got any facts about sandcastles?”

Remus had never appreciated him more than he did right in that moment. He grinned at him, “I don’t think I have any facts about sandcastles, but did you know that the white sand in Hawaii is made up completely of parrotfish poop?”

Sirius’ laughter rang across the beach, chasing away all of Remus’ demons, even if just for the moment.

* * *

Later that night, he got into bed and grabbed his phone to shoot Sirius a quick text before falling asleep.

Remus (12:14AM): I’ve done some research.

Remus (12:14AM): The tallest sandcastle ever built was built in Duisburg, Germany and was 54 feet and 9 inches high.

Sirius (12:17AM): Wow, I really appreciate ur dedication to the cause. That’s amazing, want to add that to the summer bucket list?

Remus (12:18AM): Maybe if that was the only thing on it… that would take us forever. Did you see our sandcastle from this morning?

Remus (12:18AM): It was pretty pathetic.

Sirius (12:20AM): …..I am highly offended. I put my heart and soul into that sandcastle.

Remus (12:23AM): Well by now that’s probably at the bottom of the ocean…

Sirius (12:24AM): It can be the new heart of the ocean. I’ll be Jack if you’ll be Rose.

Remus (12:27AM): Why do you get to be Jack?

Remus (12:27AM): I want to be Jack.

Sirius (12:30AM): I mean I was just trying to sacrifice myself so u could live but if u want to spend the rest of ur life at the bottom of the ocean with my heart and soul, be my guest.

Remus (12:31AM): I’ve been duped. I want a redo.

Sirius (12:33AM): Too late, it was nice knowing u

Sirius (12:33AM): Btw, I think I found a party for us to crash, r u interested?

Remus (12:37AM): 100%, text me tomorrow? I’m falling asleep while typing this.

Sirius (12:40AM): Will do. Night xx

* * *

 He woke up the next morning with a pounding migraine and spent most of the day napping and watching Planet Earth on the TV. Lily bounded in and out throughout the day, bringing him soup – to which he had scolded, “Honestly Lily, soup when it’s 90 degrees outside?” – and Ibuprofen.

Eventually she settled down on the couch beside him, lifting up his feet so she could scoot underneath them.

Remus grumbled, nudged her hands with one of his feet to see if she would rub them. She shot him a scathing glare and lifted her hands up so that he couldn’t reach them with his feet anymore.

“If you think I’m rubbing your feet, you have another thing coming.” Lily said.

Remus grinned at her, “Well it was worth a shot.”

“Why don’t you text Sirius and ask him? I’m sure he would love to rub your feet.”

“Yeah, maybe more he could rub more than that while he’s at it.” Remus muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Lily asked, distracted as she rummaged beneath the couch cushions for the remote.

“Oh nothing.” Remus replied, quickly. He shot a glance at his phone, which had remained steadfastly silent all day. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. He had hoped that Sirius would have texted him by now about the party for tonight. At this point, it was almost 5 PM and he was sure that Sirius had either forgotten completely or had just decided that he didn’t want to be dragging Remus along when he could be hanging out with literally any guy he set his sights on.

She shot him a confused look and went on, “Oh, by the way, James is coming up tomorrow for a week. Maybe we can all hang out. I have this weird feeling that him and Sirius would really get along.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Oh nothing.” She mused, “Just that they both seem to have a penance for trouble and a habit of flirting with anything that moves, not to mention egos so big that they would probably rival Kanye Wests’.”

“Ew, does that make us their Kim Kardashian’s?” Remus asked, his nose wrinkling in distaste.

“Nah, no one is gonna wanna watch our sex tapes.” She reemerged from where she had dropped to her hands and knees to look under the couch with her hand high up in the air clutching the remote. “HA! Now I can change it from this absolute nonsense.”

“This is not nonsense.” Remus argued, scrambling forward to try to wrestle the remote from her hands.

Lily shuffled sideways quickly, causing Remus to overshoot and tumble off the couch in a heap of blankets and pillows. “Remus, there are literally seahorses having sex on the screen.”

“It’s the circle of life!” Remus cried, “People literally pay thousands of dollars for Kim Kardashians’ sex tape and seahorses on Planet Earth are getting judged by people like you. Discrimination!”

She rolled her eyes and hit the channel up button.

“AHHH, LILY!” Remus howled, flailing dramatically to try to escape from the blankets that had completely surrounded him, “Change it back now! We have to see the pregnancy. Did you know that the male seahorse carries the young? It’s an amazing example of the reestablishment of gender norms in nature!”

“You are so weird.” She said, although her voice had an affectionate tone and she flipped straight back to Discovery channel before flopping down on the couch.

It turns out it didn’t matter though, because at that moment, Remus’ phone dinged from within the tangle of blankets and he rummaged frantically through them attempting to locate it. Once he did, he took one look at the screen and his face split into a huge smile.

Sirius (5:24PM): Hey, if u still want to crash that party tonight, meet at my place @ 7? 1004 Run Hill Apts, Apt. 302

 


	8. Crash My Party

**If you wanna call me, call me, call me you don’t have to worry ‘bout it baby.**  
**You can wake me up in the dead of the night; wreck my plans, baby that’s alright.**  
**This is a drop everything kind of thing.**  
**Swing on by I will pour you a drink.**  
**The door’s unlocked, I’ll leave on the lights**  
**Baby you can crash my party anytime.**

**Luke Bryan**

* * *

 

Later that evening, Remus found himself walking to the address that Sirius had given him. A quick google maps search had shown him that it was only a 15-minute walk and he thought that the fresh air might be good for him. The evening sunlight was slanting over the sidewalk and through the trees, lighting everything around him in a golden glow. There was something about late afternoon sunshine, it crept into every dark crevice, fell onto upturned faces and warmed them, and made everything seem better and more hopeful all at once. Remus felt the effects of it immediately; he felt light and confident as if he could have anything he wanted if he was just brave enough to reach out and grab it.

He reached Sirius’ apartment complex and spent a while wandering through the buildings, trying to find the building that matched the address given to him. The complex looked nice but older. The buildings were completely brick but looked as though they had recently been painted white in an attempt to spruce the place up. When he reached building 300, he noticed that the brick on the edge of the building was crumbling and that the windows looked like they could use a good cleaning. When he glanced around, he accidentally met eyes with a stiff looking girl who was sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette. She shot him a glare that managed to look mean and desperate all at once and he hurried forward, climbing the stairs to Sirius’ apartment.

Once outside the door, he took a shaky breath in, feeling completely out of his element. He stepped forward and knocked on the door, three hard raps.

It didn’t take but a minute until Sirius was there, throwing open the door and beckoning him in. “Come in for a minute, I ordered a pizza.”

Remus took a step inside and then a hasty step backwards as he noticed what looked to be a large black bear barreling towards him. He raised his hands in a protective motion but it didn’t deter the animal as it reached him and eagerly bounded up, hitting Remus square in the stomach with its paws.

He let out an unattractive oompf sound as all the air left his lungs.

Sirius, who had started walking towards the kitchen turned back and let out a frustrated groan, “PADFOOT! Get down!”

He bounded back over to grab the animal’s collar and yank it away from Remus who was now bent over with his hands on his knees gulping air back into his lungs.

“What the fuck….?” He managed to choke out. “Sirius, you can’t keep a black bear as a pet.”

Sirius shot him an amused grin, his hand still clamped firmly on the animal’s collar. It’s tail was making great sweeping motions through the air as it gazed at Remus in adoration. He now saw that it was just an overly large, shaggy black dog. It was massive; it had to be over one hundred pounds at least.

“I’ll have you know that black bears actually make exceptional pets, Remus. He brings me berries and beetles to eat and keeps my bed warm in the winter when he hibernates.”

Remus had finally straightened up again and was looking at the dog apprehensively, “Yeah, well he might need to work on his greeting skills. And what is with that name? Padfoot?”

Sirius laughed, “You haven’t met Pete yet but he says the stupidest shit sometimes. I need to start writing it down honestly.”

He released the dog and started walking towards the kitchen, still talking as he went, “When I brought him home for the first time, he was still so small. Pete picked him up and looks at me and goes, ‘Wow, I didn’t know that dog’s had skin pads on the bottom of their feet.’  I laughed at him for probably half an hour. Just the phrase 'skin pads' is horrifying on it's own. He was pretty offended because apparently he didn't grow up with pets. Anyways, I started calling him Padfoot to mess with Pete and it stuck, but I shorten it to Paddy unless he’s drinking from the toilet or eating my clothes.”

“Or taking out my kidney.” Remus mumbled under his breath. The dog had lumbered back up to him and was bumping his hand with it’s head, wanting to be pet. Remus obliged, running his hand’s through the dog’s shaggy coat and finding that the fur was surprisingly soft. While he was petting the dog, he glanced around the apartment.

It was very clean but sparsely decorated. The inside showed the building’s age much more than the outside. The floors were hardwood but almost looked foggy from the scratches and scuffs that covered the surface. The crown molding and baseboards looked intricate and though the walls had been freshly painted a soft grey, Remus could see cracks that showed how long they had been standing. He was standing in a large main room but could see a small kitchen off to the left and two doors to the right that he guessed led to the bedrooms.

He glanced up and saw Sirius walking back in from the kitchen, carry a large pizza box that he set down on the rickety coffee table in the middle of the room. He plopped down on a leather sofa that definitely looked like it had seen better days and patted the space beside him, grinning at Remus. Remus walked over and sat down, the dog following dutifully behind him before flopping down on the floor with a soft thud.

Remus grabbed a slice of pizza, taking a bite and glancing over at Sirius who was scarfing down his slice as if he hadn’t eaten all day, a small spot of grease shining on his cheek. It was almost comforting to see that there was at least something that Sirius didn’t look graceful doing. Sirius leaned forward to grab the remote from the coffee table and Remus could see the muscles of his back tense through his shirt as he moved. He averted his gaze and took another huge bite of pizza, chewing steadily and focusing on the TV to distract himself.

 _You’re out of control,_ he thought to himself silently. _At this point, the dog has more chill than you and that’s saying something because the dog has no chill at all._

He glanced down to see Paddy with his back leg hiked in the air, diligently licking his butt.

_Ugh, my point exactly. Get your shit together._

“So where is this party and how did you hear about it?” He asked, struggling to get his subconscious back under control.

“It’s a couple streets down; I think they are doing a huge bonfire on the beach. There were a couple of girls who had set up their beach towels a little too close to my lifeguard stand the other day…”

“On purpose I’m sure…” Remus muttered under his breath.

Sirius continued, as if he hadn’t heard Remus at all, “…and they were talking about it a little too loudly. It’s the perfect opportunity.”

He jumped up from the couch, walking towards the kitchen and Remus could hear the sink turn on and assumed he was washing up. He came back, lugging a case of beer.

“Do you drink Budweiser?” He asked, lifting it slightly to show Remus. “If we play our cards right, we might be able to check two things off the list tonight.”

Remus felt his face flushing. He wasn’t sure if Sirius was thinking about getting black out drunk or having a one night stand but to be honest, neither sounded very fun to him. Being so drunk in front of Sirius that he blacked out sounded like a huge mistake, who knew what kind of things would come out of his mouth without him even realizing.

Probably embarrassing stuff like _Sirius, I wanked off to you in the shower the other day_ , or _You’re face looks really soft, can I touch it with my face?._ He couldn’t be trusted if he got that drunk.

Then there was the whole one night stand thing. There was no way Sirius could know he was a virgin since he would really only speak of it if he was under the threat of bodily harm or if the other person he was talking to was Lily, but there was no way he was losing his virginity to a stranger at a random beach party. He could feel his palms getting clammy just thinking about it. He would just have to take it one step at a time and cross those bridges when he came to them.

When he pulled himself back to reality he realized that Sirius must have taken his silence for displeasure to the beer, he could hear him rummaging in the fridge again and he called out, “I think Pete has some wine in here somewhere if you think you’d like that better."

A loud crash resounded from the kitchen and Sirius yelled, "Here it is!”

Remus cleared his throat and finally called out, “Sorry, beer is great.”

Sirius appeared back in the door way to the living room, “Oh good because Pete tries to say it was from an old girlfriend but I think he might kill me if I took it… I caught him drinking it out of a plastic cup and watching the Notebook the other day. He tried to say it was apple juice but he was sloshed.”

“Wow, I’ve really got to meet this guy.”

“You might be in luck, I texted him the address to this place earlier, so hopefully he shows up. Anyways, you ready to go?”

“Yeah.” Remus hauled himself off of the couch, bending down to pat Paddy on the head once more before following Sirius out the door.

They walked the couple of blocks to the party chatting about mundane things. Sirius was incredibly easy to talk to. Even in the moments where Remus wasn’t able to think up something to say, Sirius would easily change the subject, blabbing on about something else. He was one of those people who could make talking about the weather interesting. Everything that came out of his mouth was entertaining and you felt cooler just from being around him, as if his charisma could somehow seep out of him and and into you. The sun had set and the streets were dark but the air was still incredibly muggy.  It didn’t take long for Sirius to pull the hair tie off his wrist, tying his hair back up off his face.

When they finally reached the house, Remus felt the unease rise in his stomach. The house was massive, bigger even than the Evans’ beach house and it was teeming with people. There were multiple groups of people spread across the front lawn, smoking and chatting, their voices blending together in a dull murmur. The windows across the front of the house were lit up, casting yellow squares of light onto the front lawn. Remus could hear the music from inside pumping out a rhythmic beat, so loud that he could feel it in his chest, rattling his ribs. There were a bunch of people gathered around a keg on the porch. Before he knew it, Sirius was grabbing his hand and trying to pull him towards the front door. Remus dug his heels in and Sirius turned back to see what was wrong.

He glanced quickly over Remus’ face and noticed the tension in his jaw. He gave Remus’ hand a squeeze before saying, “It’s alright, I won’t leave you alone if you don’t want me to.”

Remus nodded tightly, taking a step towards Sirius and allowing him to pull him forward into the house.

As soon as they got through the front door, Remus could see that the place was packed wall to wall, it was difficult to squeeze through and he was getting repeatedly jostled in the ribs and back by people’s elbows and shoulders. If it wasn’t for the tight grip that Sirius had on his hand, he probably would have lost him within a minute.

If the humidity outside was bad, it was ten times worse inside the house. It seem like the air conditioner was not able to keep up with the hundreds of people in close proximity. He grimaced as someone’s sweaty back brushed against his arm. He felt like he was constantly mumbling “I’m sorry, excuse me” as he started pushing back against the bodies closing in on him. He glanced to the right and then quickly looked away when he spotted a couple pressed up against the wall in the corner, he was pretty positive they were having sex right there in front of everyone. When Sirius finally pulled him through a doorway into a kitchen towards the back of the house, he let out a sigh of relief.

There weren’t as many people in this section of the house, although that could be because the back door was open in this room and people were continually moving back and forth through it to the beach access.

When he glanced at Sirius, he could see Sirius was trying to say something to him but he could barely hear him over the loud music. He mouthed “What?” to him, raising his arms in _I can’t understand what you’re saying_ gesture. Sirius stepped closer, pressing his mouth up close to Remus’ ear to say, “Holy shit, this is insane.”

Remus could feel his warm breath ghost across his ear and he shivered at the sensation, his stomach flipping. He shifted uncomfortably, nodding at Sirius but deciding not to yell back. Sirius rummaged around in the cabinets of the house, stowing their case of beer behind some pots in one of the bottom cabinets so that it wouldn’t get stolen. He grabbed two and handed one to Remus before gesturing towards the door.

Remus nodded and they walked through it, heading for the beach.

The backyard was filled too, people playing pool games in the giant swimming pool and packing the hot tub full of many more people than Remus would have ever guessed could fit.

When they finally hit the beach, Remus took a huge breath. It was much quieter out here, the music only floating out occasionally between the loud bursts of laughter and chatter.

There was a smaller group of people gathered around the bonfire and Remus and Sirius made their way towards it.

“I didn’t know there was going to be this many people here.” Sirius said, stopping a short distance away from the group. The bonfire was so big that even at this distance, Remus could feel the warmth spreading across his cheeks.

“Yeah, it’s crazy.” Remus said shortly, raising his beer to take a sip.

“I take it you’re not a very big partier?” Sirius asked.

“Not particularly. I mean, I’ve been to plenty of parties with Lily but I don’t really like being pushed and shoved and having to yell over everyone and trying to make conversation with strangers. Do you go to many parties?”

Sirius shrugged, “A good bit although not as much as I used to.” Remus noticed that his face darkened slightly at that statement before he pushed forward, “It really just depends on what I feel like doing that night. I don’t mind a good night in eating pizza and watching movies though either.”

Remus grinned at him. Honestly, that sounded like heaven, he wished all the nights of his life could be filled with pizza, movies, and Sirius.

At that moment, someone else came trotting up to them. Remus turned to look at the guy, who was short and slightly chubby with dirty blonde hair and reddened cheeks.

“Hey,” He said. He sounded out of breath already and Remus had the distinct feeling that he rarely ever exercised. Sirius was reaching out a hand to pat him on the back and was then saying to Remus, “This is my roommate, Pete.” And then, with a gesture towards Remus, “This is my friend, Remus.”

Remus moved forward to shake the guy’s hand and found that it was both somehow clammy and moist at the same time. He wiped his palm discreetly on the back of his pants when the other guy finally pulled away from him.

“What are you guys up to?” Pete asked, taking such a huge swig of his beer that a couple of drops escaped from the side of his mouth to splatter on his shirt.

Sirius shot Remus an amused look, checking to see if he was seeing the same thing before answering. “Just hanging around; Did you bring Vera?”

Sirius turned to Remus to add, “Vera is Pete’s long time on again-off again fling.”

Pete heaved a sigh and answered, “I did, but some guy asked her if she wanted to dance while we were at the keg.”

Sirius stared at Pete in silence for a minute before finally adding, “….and you let some other guy dance with her? Pete, you’ve got to sort out your priorities.”

“Well I’m sorry,” Pete replied, indignantly, “The cheese tray from across the room was making eyes at me.”

Sirius shook his head, “Well I hate to break it to you, but it’s kind of hard to have a long term relationship with a slice of cheddar.”

“Speak for yourself; Cheddar’s been there for me in some of my darkest moments.” Peter replied. He kept turning to glance over his shoulder and Remus could only assume he was looking for Vera. The dunes stayed clear though.

Sirius laughed and poked him in the belly, “Yeah, that’s obvious.”

Peter twisted, swatting violently at Sirius' hands before shooting him a glare. Then he sent Remus a calculating glance, as if he was trying to figure out exactly what it was that Remus was doing in Sirius' life. It was strangely protective and Remus was surprised to see it; it showed that their relationship was much deeper than he had expected. He could tell Pete cared about the dark haired boy standing next to him, even through the jokes.

“So, how’d you meet Sirius?” Pete asked, twisting his body to face Remus.

Sirius grinned and cut in before Remus could answer, “Oh this is a great story, _electrifying_ really.”

Remus shot him a warning look before replying, “Sirius helped me after I got stung by a jellyfish on the beach.”

“Ah, peed on you?” Pete said, snickering. “Don’t worry, I’ve been there.”

“Peed on or stung by a jellyfish?” Remus replied, confused now.

“Both; Sirius likes to pretend like it was an accident.”

Sirius was cackling in the background and Remus just grimaced, preparing to ask for the story. At that moment, a loud popping sound ripped through the air and cheers went up from the partygoers who were standing around the fire. Remus glanced up in panic, vaguely noticing the red colors shooting across the sky before his knees gave out, dropping him straight to the sand. He caught himself with his hands, gasping loudly as the world exploded around him. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest, thumping heavily against his ribs. It was so violent that he was scared it would somehow squeeze through the small spaces and fall to the sand, leaving him dead on the beach. Time seemed to slow down and Remus clenched his eyes shut and reached up to grasp his chest, gasping for air past the vise grip that was currently surrounding his lungs. He could hear his pulse thumping in his ears but everything else surrounding him sounded muted and he registered in the deep recesses of his mind that he must be having a panic attack. He vaguely registered that Sirius was leaning over, his hand clenching tightly on Remus’ shoulder before it moved to grasp Remus' wrist, pulling him up and along past the dunes, pool, and through the house to a bedroom at the end of a hallway upstairs.

There was a couple making out on the bed, shirts pressed up to expose their bodies and hands buried deep within pants.

The movement and the grip on his wrist was bringing him back slowly, Remus could feel his heart slowing down and the clamp around his lungs loosening.

“Hey, can we get this room?” Sirius called to them loudly.

The people either didn’t hear them or were choosing to ignore them, and Sirius clenched his fists, stalking over to yell, “GET OUT, NOW.”

The couple scrambled off the bed, yanking their clothes back into place and glaring at Sirius. They stalked from the room and Sirius returned to Remus, placing his hands on his shoulders and steering him over to the bed. He pushed down on his shoulders gently until he sat down and then kneeled before him, his hands still gripping Remus’ wrists tightly. It was almost painful but Remus was glad for the slight pain, it grounded him, bringing him back to the present. As his heart calmed in his chest, a new feeling rose past the feelings of panic: embarrassment.

He hated having panic attacks, the feelings of helplessness and anxiety causing him to act like a complete lunatic, scaring everyone around him and he felt awful that Sirius had now witnessed one. If he thought that he was getting better and was finally able to act like a normal person, his subconscious was quick to let him know how wrong he was. He swallowed heavily, still focusing his eyes pointedly at the fabric of his shorts on his knees to avoid Sirius' eyes. Suddenly he felt pressure on his chin, his face being lifted up until his eyes' met Sirius'.

There wasn’t any pity in the grey depths, just concern and warmth.

“Are you okay?” He asked, quietly.

Remus took a deep breath and nodded, not trusting his voice yet.

Sirius let out a shaky breath and stood up, raising his arms to bury his hands in his hair, “Shit, you really scared me.”

Remus focused on his breathing, focusing on counting to ten over and over again until it slowed.

Sirius walked over and flopped onto the bed on his back. Remus glanced up to the ceiling to avoid looking over at Sirius; there was a long crack cutting the room in two and a murky water stain in the corner. He focused on the alternating light and dark rings of the stain, wondering how long it had been there for.

“Hey,” Sirius said quietly, nudging Remus’ hand with his own, “You want to get out of here?”

“We-“ Remus stopped immediately, his voice sounded weird to his own ears, almost foreign as if he was standing in the room watching himself, instead of sitting hunched over on the bed, hands gripping the edge of his shorts tightly, the knuckles of his hand turning white.

Sirius’ eyes were wide and earnest and he was patiently waiting for Remus to speak.

As the silence stretched on, Remus could feel the helplessness welling up inside him. Suddenly everything felt like it was too much. It was too bright in the room, the clock ticking on the wall was overly loud and irritating, the sheets against his legs were scratchy. He felt overwhelmed and unhappy and he could feel his heart rate picking back up again.

He raised his hand to his mouth, pressing hard to block the strangled cry that was threatening to come escape.

Beside him, Sirius shifted on the bed and Remus jumped when he felt his hand touch his arm. When he looked up, Sirius had turned to face Remus. He tightened his grip and gently tugged Remus closer and closer until Remus’ face was pressing into his shoulder.  The way Remus was leaning over was awkward but he couldn't deny that he felt comforted by the contact. Sirius scooted closer to wrap his arms around more completely around him. 

“You’re alright.” Sirius said quietly, one of his hands drifting up and down Remus' back, tracing patterns across the fabric until Remus could feel himself relaxing. He leaned into Sirius and took a couple of deep breaths. Suddenly the ticking in the room didn't seem quite as loud and though the sheets were still scratchy, Sirius' skin was warm and soft where his nose was pressed against his neck.

A few minutes later, when he felt much calmer, he finally managed to pull away and croak out, “We don’t have to leave, we just got here.”

Sirius sat back, his eyes searching Remus’ face and then finally darting away, content that Remus didn’t need any more comfort.

Finally, he snorted, his hand waving nonchalantly in the air, “Don’t worry, you could crash a party everyday, but it’s not everyday that I get to hang out with Remus Lupin.”

Remus blushed and looked away and then before he realized it, Sirius was yanking him to his feet by his hand, pulling him down through the party and out into the quiet air of the night. They started walking towards the Evans’ beach house and Remus was so busy listening to Sirius talk about crazy stories from parties he had previously been to, his eyes lighting up and his hand wildly gesturing in the air, that he didn’t even realize that Sirius had never dropped his hand from when he had grabbed it earlier.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're on tumblr, you can find me there at https://ourtwosoulsarethesame.tumblr.com/. Thanks!


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